Are you tired of feeling socially awkward at parties and events? Do you want to make a great impression and connect with others?
Join host David Hall and guest Nick Shelton as they discuss the art of strategic socializing. Discover the secrets to appearing confident, breaking out of your comfort zone, and mastering the skill of building connections.
💬 In this conversation we discuss:
👉 Using the “cape walk”, developing a Duke-worthy posture, and having a welcoming “cookie-face” expression to exude confidence in social situations
👉 The power of observation and finding your entry point into social groups
👉 Techniques to follow up and maintain connections for long-term relationships
Learn the strategies to confidently navigate social events and make lasting connections in this empowering episode of The Quiet And Strong Podcast. Gain the confidence to show up, engage with others, and transform your social life.
Tune in now so you don’t miss out on this game-changing advice, and be strong! 🎧🔥
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Nick Shelton is a speaker, social strategist, and coach for introverted career professionals as well as a best-selling author of the book “An Introvert’s Guide To World Domination”. He has been fine-tuning the craft of effective, high-level social strategy and networking for over twenty years. Nick has successfully built a strong, international network of friends, colleagues, and associates. He believes the quality of your life comes down to the quality of your relationships. Now he teaches others how to easily navigate social events and situations with the goal of making real connections and building relationships that matter.
Get Nick’s book: An Introvert’s Guide To World Domination
Visit Nick’s Website: ConnectedIntrovert.com
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Confidence-Boosting Action Steps You Can Take Now
Hey there! So glad you tuned in to The Quiet And Strong Podcast. After listening to this episode, here are a few quick actions you can take right away to start building your confidence:
- Practice good posture and adopt a relaxed but confident demeanor: Take inspiration from how a Duke or Duchess would sit. This simple adjustment can instantly make you appear more cool and confident in social situations.
- Develop a welcoming and friendly facial expression: Think about the anticipation of fresh baked cookies and let that expression shine through. It will make you approachable and create a positive impression on others.
- Start attending events of interest: Subscribe to email lists, provide your contact information on relevant websites, and keep an eye out for exciting events in your area. Sign up for meetup.com and other platforms to find relevant groups and gatherings.
- Arrive early and observe: Getting to an event early gives you the advantage of seeing how the room is set up, choosing whom you want to talk to, and sitting at a table you prefer. You can also position yourself near the host to meet people as they arrive.
- Budget your energy as an introvert: Plan out your events and give yourself a certain amount of time for socializing. Start by simply showing up and observing before engaging in activities. Connect with other introverts, recognize your energy levels, and give yourself permission to leave when you feel drained.
Remember, building confidence takes time, so be patient with yourself. Take those small steps and let each experience contribute to your growth. You’ve got this! Now go out there and show the world your quiet and strong side!
00:02:33 Person realized they were introverted in middle school, felt drained by socializing, learned that introversion is different from shyness and social awkwardness.
00:05:38 The author discusses their strategy for socializing and making connections, emphasizing the importance of observing social dynamics and focusing on building bonds with specific individuals in order to be invited to social events.
00:11:39 The speaker evaluates their circle and seeks people who share their vision and goals to connect with and learn from. They explain the process of identifying and reaching out to these individuals.
00:13:46 The author discusses attending a pilot meetup and finding high-end events by signing up for email lists. They emphasize the importance of showing up to these events to make connections and suggests using meetup.com and other websites to find events of interest.
00:18:38 The author discusses budgeting energy at events, observing before engaging, recognizing when drained, leaving when necessary, and taking time alone for introverts.
00:24:04 When attending social events, the author seeks out introverts who appear uncomfortable, forming groups of three for easier conversation and an escape plan.
00:29:10 Getting to events early is critical to scope out the room, meet people, and choose who to talk to. It allows you to position yourself strategically and make a good impression as people arrive. You can also make observations to start conversations. Leaving early is an option, and being early gives you the advantage of leaving early if desired.
00:34:19 The author suggests walking as if wearing a cape for good posture and confidence when entering a room. They even provided capes during workshops to experience the difference.
00:37:01 The author uses a technique of sitting like a Duke and having a pleasant expression to appear confident and approachable. This approach has resulted in positive interactions and can be implemented immediately.
00:42:58 Admitting lack of knowledge relieves pressure and insecurity in various situations.
00:47:24 Building confidence requires taking small steps and pushing one’s limits gradually through repetition. Just showing up and participating, even in small ways, can help build confidence.
00:52:30 Follow up quickly after meeting. Send mail or email. Maintain relationships quarterly. Keep each other updated. Don’t wait for others to reach out.
00:55:44 To achieve your desired life, attend relevant events and surround yourself with those who have what you want. Showing up is crucial.
Top Takeaways From This Episode
– Develop a strategy for appearing cool and confident at social events by adopting good posture and a relaxed, confident demeanor.
– Use a welcoming and friendly facial expression to make a positive impression on others.
– Attend events of interest by subscribing to email lists and providing contact information on relevant websites.
– Arrive early to events to observe the room setup, choose who you want to talk to, and position yourself near the host.
– Budget your energy as an introvert by planning out events and giving yourself a set amount of time for socializing.
– Seek out other introverted individuals at events and engage with them for a more comfortable experience.
– Give yourself permission to leave social events when you feel drained or ready to go.
– Admitting to not knowing or being inexperienced can alleviate pressure and expectations from others.
– Choose to sit with another introverted person to alleviate discomfort and confusion.
– Learn from confident individuals by observing their actions in social settings and gradually adapting their techniques.
– Follow up with people after initial meetings as many individuals are bad at it. Use physical mail or email to stand out and maintain relationships.
– Take the initiative to keep connections alive by reaching out regularly and asking about personal matters to stay connected and supportive.
Nick Shelton [00:00:00]:
Yeah. You just have to to show up, but definitely get out there. look look for events that might be of interest to you and go out there to gather go back to those five people. Try to think of what you would like your life to be like and who has whatever it is that you would like to have and whether it’s if they have the type of relationship you wanna have or if they have some kind of material thing that you wanna have, who is that? Where are they at? if you could think of where they might be, then you need to start looking for those events and then show up and don’t rush yourself but just gradually ease in there and and be around them, but it all comes down to showing up. If you don’t show up, nothing’s gonna happen. So introvert or not. just be in the room. Get into the room. That’s the most important thing.
David Hall [00:01:04]:
Hello, and welcome to episode 136 at the Quiet Strong podcast, especially for introverts. I’m your host, David Hall, and the creator of quietandstrong.com. It’s a weekly podcast dedicated to understanding the strengths and needs of introverts. Introversion is not something to fix, but to be embraced. Normally, we will air each episode on a Monday. Be sure to subscribe on your favorite platform. Leave a review. That would mean a lot to me. Tell a friend about the podcast. Help get the word out there. The introversion is a beautiful thing. Nick Shelton is a speaker, social strategist, and coach for introverted career professionals as well as a best selling author of the book, an introvert’s guide to World Domination. He has been fine tuning the craft of effective high level Social strategy, and networking for over 20 years. Nick has successfully built a strong international network of friends, colleagues, and associates. He believes the quality of your life comes down to the quality of your relationships. Now he teaches others how to easily navigate social events and situations with the goal of making real connections and building relationships that matter. Alright. Well, welcome to the quiet and strong podcast, Nick. excited to have you on today.
Nick Shelton [00:02:20]:
Thank you, David. It’s a pleasure to be here.
David Hall [00:02:22]:
Okay. We’re gonna get into the work that you do and the book that you’ve written. But before we do that, let’s talk a little bit about your journey. When did you discover that you were an introvert?
Nick Shelton [00:02:33]:
Well, figured out as the introvert Well, I knew that something was different, you know, early early on. I just didn’t know what to call it. And so I’d say when I found out I was introverted, it was probably, later on in let’s say maybe middle school by the time. You know, I I was definitely that way in elementary, but let’s say middle school is when I knew that the terminology and everything like that, but, I knew that I was expending a lot of energy when I would socialize with people So I would try to isolate that socialization to 1 or 2 people, mostly one person, And then I was able to be really good, but then once I started trying to branch it out, then it was the really draining. And I had to get some alone time to recharge. So then I I figured out once I started seeing those definitions, I was like, oh, okay. Now I see what it is. So contrary to is before people just say, oh, you’re just shot, but introversion as you would know introversion isn’t necessarily shyness. People confuse it with shyness. Shyness is separate. So you can be introverted can be shy. You can be socially awkward. You could be all three of those things, which I was, but they’re all different things, but they can all you can be all of those things.
David Hall [00:04:02]:
Yeah. Absolutely. So how did you, come across the term? It sounds like you actually came across it much earlier than a lot of people I talk to.
Nick Shelton [00:04:11]:
I think that one of my teachers, Mrs. Slusser. See, I can’t even remember the name. had mentioned that, and then I had looked it up because I know that Like, my parents were really big on looking stuff up. So if I’d ask them something, and I don’t even know if if it how much they knew or didn’t know because whenever I’d ask them about something that’s a Look it up. We have these. We have dictionaries in the encyclopedia set here. Look it up. So anything you wanted to know they would say, look it up. And so there there were no computers to to look up anything. So I would look it up and figure it out. And so that’s how I think, yep, Mrs. Lester, I believe, brought that word into my vocabulary, and then I did the research. Yeah.
David Hall [00:05:01]:
I’d be interested to dig up one of those encyclopedias and see what introversion said and see if it’s changed at all over the years. But, yeah, that’s that’s very interesting.
Nick Shelton [00:05:10]:
But I know it wasn’t the definition about, did expending energy for social interactions. It that it it did not say that, but it broke it down in a it kinda tied it in with the shyness, but it did have it did hint at that broader definition. And so it it gave a good starting point.
David Hall [00:05:32]:
Yeah. Absolutely. So how did you embrace being a introvert then?
Nick Shelton [00:05:38]:
Well, I just figured, okay, I need to learn how because there are so many opportunities out there. that I was missing out on because I wanted to be cool and it’s socialized with everybody and you know, I saw people doing that and then, you know, I wanted to, you know, potentially date or try to date and You know, if you’re not talking to people, that’s not gonna happen. And there’s all you know, people are having parties that are going roller skating and stuff. And I would I did some roller skating, but you if you’re not talking to people, you’re not getting invited to stuff. So I would try to organize it in such a way where I would pick out, you know, okay. So instead of just going into a group, And this is what my girlfriend’s daughter, her daughter’s friend is dealing with now. She would just walk up to a group and be like, hey, everybody, and try to get into that group, but it she’s meeting a lot of resistance. And I’m like, no. No. That’s not the way you do it. You have to pick one person that’s in that group and kinda go for them and then you can maybe ease your way into the group. So for me, I would say, okay. I they’re gonna have, like, a birthday party or whatever. I would like to be maybe invited to that. So who’s who are the players in that group? Who are the the the main VIPs? And then I would pick someone who I thought that I might have something in common or a bond with, and then I will go and talk to that person. And then so I’m not burning up a whole lot of energy and it’s it’s okay. We’re I I’m I’m picking the, the interaction. So I have the first mover advantage here. So I’d go up and talk to that person and try to build the bond with the 1 and then hopefully that one after vetting me, yeah, I know we were kids at all, but they could be like, oh, he’s cool. He should. You should consider having him come to the roller skating party. And so I I instead of so I tried to figure out what are some ways that I can can work with my skills because I believe that one of the superpowers of introverts is observation So I’d sit back and not watch and I’d say, okay. watching the social dynamics with these groups and other people And so I can see who seems more approachable, who seems more open, that I can go in talk to. And it was fairly effective. It wasn’t like right now I have it dialed in a lot more to be able to explain it. It wasn’t like that at the time. It was more of a natural thing, right, to say, okay. That’s a Jeremy. And Jeremy, it’s seems like he would be open to, like, if I went and talked to him, but I didn’t break it down into then I’ll be vetted and then he’ll go and it wasn’t that complex in my mind, but it was just kind of a how do I get there? let’s take this approach.
David Hall [00:08:53]:
Yeah. It’s fascinating. I didn’t realize that you had come up with strategies so young. That’s awesome. And, of course, then you wrote about them later as an adult. and definitely tweak them and hone them and and that kind of thing. But you came up with strategies.
Nick Shelton [00:09:07]:
David Hall [00:09:07]:
Oh, yeah. A lot of survival. Yeah. That’s great. This show is definitely about talking about strengths. And you you mentioned observation is a great strength that we have. This interversion, isn’t the same as shyness or social anxiety or being socially awkward. I will tell you on those things, like for me, me figuring out that I was an introvert helped me overcome shyness because I’m like, oh, I do need to think before I speak, and it’s not strange. You know?
Nick Shelton [00:09:36]:
And — Right.
David Hall [00:09:37]:
it helped me overcome my anxiousness, my awkwardness. We’re always still gonna have awkward moments no matter what,
Nick Shelton [00:09:44]:
David Hall [00:09:44]:
know, I’m not so worried about it. but that was part of it. And then, of course, strategies for success, and and that’s that’s what you’ve written about. I’ve been reading your book. I love the title. What what is the title?
Nick Shelton [00:09:57]:
It’s an introvert’s guide to world domination.
David Hall [00:10:01]:
Yeah. Very cool. So — Thank you. So, again, it sounds like you were developing strategies very young, but then what caused you to write this book?
Nick Shelton [00:10:09]:
So this book, I so Later on, years later, I started speaking on this topic. People would ask me, hey, can you come to this place and speak? on this topic and, because I had my first speaking topic that I ever did was it was network infiltration for introverts with limited capital. That was by the first talk I did on that sort of topic and people said, oh, can you talk about that here? And so whenever I would talk about it, people would say, where can I get you a book? And I didn’t have a book. And so I said, well, several people now have asked me where do they can get my book? And there is no book. So I figured, oh, I I should probably write one because, you know, supply and demand, there’s a demand, apparently, for this. So I will write the book and that’s the the real reason why I wrote it. I people asked where it was, and so I said, I better get one. So wrote the book to help people who were hungry for that information.
David Hall [00:11:16]:
Yeah. So I saw this quote on your your website and I also read in your book, and I’m familiar with it too. And the quote is you are the result of the five people you spend the most time around. How is that impactful in kinda changing your life and where you want to go?
Nick Shelton [00:11:34]:
Right. So when I had heard that, that some of the I could be spending the most time around.
David Hall [00:11:39]:
Nick Shelton [00:11:39]:
thinking, well, who am I spending my time around and are they where I wanna be? Are they helping at least propel me there? Do they have the same vision and goals that I have? And the answer was no. That is not the case. And so I didn’t decide to just I didn’t just say bye, everybody. leaving you all. I just figured I would start start to dial back some of the time that I was spending with people that, you know, did not have the same ambition and goals that I had and then try to say, well, what kind of life do I want and who’s doing that already? And so it’s like, okay. So Who are the people that I I admire that I wanna be around that I wanna get those habits and where are they at? And then when I figure where they are, how do I get to that place where they are? And then once I get where they are, how do I actually connect with them? So then I can spend time with them. So that’s how it all kicked off where I said I need to figure this out. If I’m going to because sure it’s an easy saying to say, but then there’s a lot of steps that you have to do to figure that out to be able to pull it off and do it. and you know, so I had to figure out step by step how to get there and then be around be around the people, and we can get into it deeper if you like. Or — Yeah. Absolutely.
David Hall [00:13:15]:
You figure out what is it that I want, and that is gonna be different for everybody. You know, what what do you want? and then how do you get there? And, you know, what we’re talking about specifically, how do you get there when you’re an introvert? How do you embrace those gifts that you have gifts and skills and strengths? and also honoring your needs, but you definitely had some great adventures. Tell us a little bit about that. Like, you know, you wanted something else and you decided to, you know, go for some different things that you, you know, maybe weren’t experiencing before.
Nick Shelton [00:13:46]:
There were a lot of other there’s a lot of different little adventures in there. I know that One thing that I’d mentioned was the when I went to the pilots meetup and I’m not a pilot, but I said it would be really interesting to know pilots and to meet some pilots. So I got on I guess it’s like meetup.com where you can they have these things where you can go and people are organizing these events. And so I figured you have to you have to show up. And as the introvert, You don’t have to you don’t have to do what I tell people. You don’t have to show up and be the the bell of the ball, the the talk of the town, the star, You just need to be in the room. Just get there. So one day I was like, man, it’d be cool to know some pilots because then you know, I know some pilots and maybe I can get on a plane or some maybe somebody has their own plane and they might wanna offer to take me somewhere or something. I don’t know. And so I got on there. I went to the pilot meet up, and there’s a bunch of pilots. And they said, oh, what do you fly? I said, oh, no. I’m not a pilot. I just wanted to to see what was going on with the pilots and meet some pilots. And, yeah, met some cool pilots. And so That’s really cool. And, the also, the, like, the car dealerships and, the There’s a cartier event that I’ve found fascinating as well. So one of the things that I talk about is, to find the event. So I like a lot of high end stuff. And I was like, man, it’d be really cool to do this. So I would get on the the email lists. And so, calls spamming yourself. So I’d get on, go and look up something. So I’d look up Polo online and be like, okay. There’s a polo event, and they want your contact information. So I put that in there, and then you know, Ferrari. Go to the Ferrari website, put your contact information in. You put all your information in, then then like, oh, someone’s interested. So then they start sending you stuff. So then if there’s a some kind of event, then you you go. And I tell people you gotta gotta show up. You don’t have to and people would be like, well, I don’t know. You don’t you don’t have to be cool and go. I didn’t say the cool and go. Just just go. Show up and then you can just sit back and observe. You don’t have to do anything, but that’s how you start. And then you can move on from there, but it all comes down to finding things you’re interested in. And so an easy step for your listeners is find something you’re interested in. There’s gonna be a meetup or something about. So you can look up meetup.com and see if there’s any meetup groups for that. And then also whatever sites you can find on that interest, you know, go there, put in your contact information, and you will start getting stuff in the mail. If if it’s your actual physical address, stuff in the mail and email, you will start getting things and you will start getting invitations to things and then your next step is to show up.
David Hall [00:16:53]:
Very cool. Sounds like you had some good times there.
Nick Shelton [00:16:56]:
David Hall [00:16:57]:
I think you hit on something. Well, a myth I often bust is people say, oh, introverts. They don’t have a lot to say. And I say the opposite. I say we have a lot to say because we’re always thinking. Yes. But we do have our things that we’re passionate about And so we don’t always like to talk about stuff that we’re not so passionate about. And I think you hit on something. Yeah. Find people that share your passions, and you you’re gonna have Lots to talk about.
Nick Shelton [00:17:22]:
Yeah. Absolutely. Or passions that you are interested in.
David Hall [00:17:26]:
Nick Shelton [00:17:27]:
Because so you might not know about it, but if there’s something that you you would like to know about. If you show up and you ask somebody about it, they can’t wait to explain stuff to somebody new because they’re passionate about it. So for example, Opera, let’s say, if you don’t know anything about Opera, you show up at an opera. And then during the intermission, you ask someone and say, hey, this is my first time. How does this work? What’s something good to to to see what should I do? Someone’s gonna be like, yes. Oh, I get to mold this person through my eyes on what’s good, what’s not, this what you do, and so they will take you on as their pet project to educate you on that. So you don’t really have to carry the conversation. They will explain everything to you and they’ll be really excited to do it.
David Hall [00:18:17]:
Yeah. But, you know, you have the interest. You want to learn more. It’s not — Right. Yeah. Yeah. So that would be be it. The opera. I wouldn’t know much but I could definitely that that yeah. That’s great. Yeah. so how do you do this socializing and networking while staying true to yourself as an introvert?
Nick Shelton [00:18:38]:
Well, so I just try to make sure that it’s kind of what I call it budgeting my energy. So I just kinda plan it out. So it’s not like I’m doing stuff every night. I’m out on the town. I’ll say, okay. I have an event. on Thursday. And so I’m gonna give myself this certain amount of time. I’ll show up and then I will you know, and it also depends on where kind of how comfortable you are in in the steps because at first, I’d just say just show up. Jess, don’t even try to do anything because it might be too much. Show up and just kinda get the land land and see how people do things. Observe. Get something to eat. But if you’re past that, then I would say I show up and then you’ll start doing stuff like I talk about hunting introverts. So there’s gonna be someone introverted there. You’ll see them because they’ll look how you feel. They’re gonna be around the edges somewhere, maybe look at their phone. Go engage with them. And and then you don’t have to once you feel like you’re starting to get drained, then you can you have permission. You can leave. And, you know, I’ve talked about leaving a bit. Also, you can leave, but first, you have to show up and, like, I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to do something once they show up. Show up first. And then once you’re there, depending on how far you wanna take it if you if you’ve shown up and you’re there 10 minutes and then you’re like, okay. That’s all I can do today. then leave, but at least you showed up and then next time maybe do a little bit more and do the hunting, the introvert, and talk to the one and save them and then maybe add another one for your group of 3. but you it you have to kind of be aware of what your energy is like. So if you if you’re all peopled out and you’re just like, okay. I’m done. I’ve talked to this person for a half an hour, and now I’ve got nothing left. I don’t wanna talk to anyone else. I’m ready to go, then, yeah, you can go. So for me to maintain my sanity and stay true to myself, I have to kind of recognize when my body’s telling me I’m done, and it it happens pretty quick because I’ll just be there and they’re like, oh, hey, it’s Nick. And then I do that where I talk about it in the book where I also say, I’ll just go to the bathroom. I’ll be like, oh, I’m going to the bathroom and then I go to the bathroom and then I leave and and I’m just gone because I when it’s time for me to leave, any extra minute pass me feeling it’s time for me to leave is, is excruciating to me. So when I’m ready to leave, I’m ready to leave now. and I do that. I let myself do that. So, yeah, you naturally have to drive yourself or have your own transportation so you can leave. but, yeah. So it’s okay. Introverts need to know it’s okay to be able to know. Okay. I’m I’m done. politely excuse yourself and go get your energy back. Go rest up. It’s been some time alone.
David Hall [00:21:54]:
Yeah. I think that’s key given yourself permission. It’s it’s okay. You showed up. Hopefully, you did what you set out to do, and it’s fine if you if you’re ready to go. And I think a lot of times we feel very awkward about that.
Nick Shelton [00:22:08]:
Yes. Yeah. It’s it can be weird sometimes to just like, this doesn’t seem like the right time to leave, but I’ve I’ve left it some some really strange times where I go to, like, an award ceremony and people are, you know, not for me, but I’ve to honor someone else. And then right before, they’re about to head out the awards. I’m like, well, Alright. And then I just leave them. Like, you’re leaving now right before they are doing the thing. And, like, yeah, it’s it’s time. I gotta go and sure it’s a little awkward sometimes, but I have to take care of myself. You know?
David Hall [00:22:44]:
That’s funny. I had someone on my show you know, fellow introvert. And he said he was never gonna accept the invitation for the the boat cruise because you can’t leave. you know, when you’re ready to go, you can’t go. So he wasn’t gonna accept those invitations in most cases.
Nick Shelton [00:23:03]:
Yes. That that’s a good point. Yeah. Yes. You Yeah. You’re on the boat. Yeah. That’s you have to know yourself well enough to know, okay. Is this gonna be something? And that’s happened to me before. I’ve done excursions up in the mountains, like, where you take a bus with a group up into the mountains or something like that. It’s like, well, I’m just I’m just here. I better just settle in, but that doesn’t mean you have to be engaging the whole time. You can just talk for a little bit and as long as you’re not sitting next to somebody who’s a super talker, you can just kinda shut it down. Or if you are next super talker. Maybe you put on you’d be like, oh, I gotta listen to my book on taper, my audio book, or whatever. you can do something to try to bow out and have some alone time. But, yeah, you have to be aware of what you might need before embarking on something like that.
David Hall [00:23:58]:
Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Tell us more about hunting hunting an introvert. What do you mean by that?
Nick Shelton [00:24:04]:
Yeah. So when I started going out to these events, I was thinking, okay. because there’s always when you’re looking at the room, there’s always, you know, somebody that’s like the life of the party. They’ll be 2 or 3 of those. Yeah. And there’s like little groups around them, but then there’s a bunch of people that, like, that person doesn’t seem like they’re too comfortable. They look uncomfortable and they look kinda lost wandering around. I’m like, okay. That’s like me. So let me so we can both just sit be alone and confused, or we could be together and have it united front of confusion together. So let’s say, okay. And this it started. This all started with someone doing this for to to me. I was showed up at some event and then the husband and wife, they said, hey. Come sit with us. And when I sat with them, they said, we were talking to each other, and we said, we should rescue that guy. because we saw you wandering around. And then so I started thinking about it. I was like, oh, yeah. So now I think of it as, like, for the hunting introverts. I’m like, I’m gonna rescue this person and it’s better because I get to choose because if I’m just wandering around, then, you know, maybe someone will grab me, but if I’m the one hunting introverts, I’d be like, that person right there, that person seems like they are they don’t know where to sit, They don’t know what to do. They’re looking confused. They, they’re pulling out their phone to try to look like they’re busy, but I know they’re not. And so I will go over to them and I’ll say, hey. And it’s just engaged them on some observation about the room. And now they’re relieved like, okay. I’m clinging with this person for the rest of the evening, but what I also explain is it’s best to have groups of 3. So you wanna get a third because that way, you’ll you’ll be able to leave when you wanna leave because it’s just two people that it’s hard to say, yeah, I’m done talking to you now. I’m gonna just leave you here alone again. But if you have if there’s another confused person, you say, let’s rescue this person then you bring the 3. So now there’s with three people, the conversation, there’s enough people to keep the conversation going. If it’s just you and another person, then it’s hard to sometimes it might, but it’s way easier if there’s a third and then if you wanna leave, you could say, oh, I’m gonna go get some snacks or something and then you leave and then they’re gonna just be there. because they’re not leaving. They’re gonna be there for the rest of the night. You can always go back there or you can find another introvert to talk to if you wanna talk about something different. It’s gives you an escape plan, but it it just gives you an advantage to do that at first mover advantage to Go in and hunt your own introverts.
David Hall [00:26:49]:
Yeah. That sounds that sounds like a great strategy. So if you’re 3 and then you go down to 2, do you try to get another third person? Or
Nick Shelton [00:26:57]:
— Yes. If you are in the the ideal number is the 3. 4 is too many — Okay. — because there’s then somebody’s always just quiet and just hanging around not participating. And naturally, you’d be like, well, maybe that could be me. Yeah. I could be the non participating for it. Sure. But you you’re there to socialize a little bit. So three is ideal. So if it goes down to 2, you try to get another person. And if it’s yeah. Then if it’s 4, then you should probably just unless it’s a super interesting conversation, then you can leave and just leave them as there are 3 and then you can go start over and find either one or you can find a couple. So there could be could be a husband and wife or it just could be two other people that are just sitting there talking. And you can kinda look at them to see if they are in an in-depth conversation if it looks like that because then you don’t wanna come up. Hey. I’m here too when they’re talking about you know, something private, but they’re usually if I like the husband and wife thing because they’re normally tired of talking to each other anyway. and they talk to each other all the time. So then they’re like, oh, here’s a new person. So you can just go up and talk to them and they will usually carry the conversation and be inquisitive on finding about it out about you because they already know each other. So they wanna know about you. So then they will ask you questions, and all you have to do is just answer the questions.
David Hall [00:28:26]:
And, you know, another myth is that you know, I hear introverts don’t like people, and that’s so far from the truth. Right. We do thrive in smaller groups. That that is true. You know, we do like and it’s it’s interesting that you say then 4 becomes too many, and I’m thinking about that. Yeah. Because it there’s too much conversation and where you might not get a turn sometimes.
Nick Shelton [00:28:46]:
Right. Yes. And 3, you usually you’re gonna get a turn, but before it it starts getting complicated. It’s time to move on.
David Hall [00:28:54]:
So you definitely have been talking about the things that you do at the networking event. I know that you wrote in your book that introverts. It’s good to get there early and What do you mean by that? And then just take us through some other things that you do at the networking event, have a successful time.
Nick Shelton [00:29:10]:
Ah, yeah. So getting there early, and a lot of people don’t like that, but I think it’s critical because then you can you walk in, you get to see how the room is set up, you get to see where the food is, drinks, just sitting, standing, how everything is, and then you get to see everyone who comes in. So you can choose who do I wanna talk to. And so once again, the hunting introverts, you can see someone come in and say, I wanna talk to that person. or you can not wanna talk to that person, but it gives you this advantage of just seeing the lay of the land because if you come in later, then everybody’s already there and you’re walking in that, you know, making this entrance that you don’t wanna make. And now you have to look for where’s the seat Where’s a seat that I can sit in? What what how does it work? And now you it’s I think it feels a little awkward when you’re late and everyone’s there because they’re settled. but if you’re there before they’re settled, then you can say, I wanna sit at that table and you can sit there and then people come sit with you. instead of you trying to be like, can I sit here with you guys? And then also one thing you can do, which I believe it’s mentioned in the book that, one time I went into a situation where it seemed like there was a lot of people there already. I wasn’t early And it’s like, it seems like everybody knows each other. And I don’t see any introverts around the edges to hunt. What am I supposed to do? So but the host is like, okay. The host has to talk to me because I was invited by this person. So they’re obligated to talk to me. So I went and stood next to the host and said, this is a great event. thanks for inviting me. And then as people were coming in, the host shook their hands and said, hey. Thanks for making it. Then I shook their hands and said, thanks for coming out. You know? So then they think that somehow I have something to do with this. this event, and they’re meeting me. I’m Nick. Thanks for coming. And then they’re like, okay. So then after about ten people came in like that. Then now I know I just met these people. So then I before they get settled in completely, I can go over there and sit with them. because, oh, I just met Nick, and he has something to do with this event, obviously, because we just met him with the host. And so that that’s a another thing that can be done if you’re if you can position yourself correctly, but it’s just always good to get there early just to see what’s going on, get settled in, and then you don’t have to figure it out later. You can be one of the first people to figure it out. You can explain it to other people as they come in. Yeah. The sandwiches in there, the bathrooms back there. They got furniture in there. There was a couch in the men’s bathroom, and so this place is really high end. So you never see the couch. and there’s art on the walls. You know, there’s and so I tell people to also, for a conversation, just observations because people always wonder what What can I say? And so it’s I’ll do the temperature of the room, hot, cold. What’s the food like? What kind of, you know, have you been there before? Was the food different? You talk about that. You can talk about what they’re wearing, nice eyeglass frames or whatever, or there’s so many things. Just look around and then comment about whatever is happening in the room. So it’s a it and once again, once you’re doing this, you can burn through your energy very quickly. And then if you do, leave, you could leave. It’s as easy as that. No matter what’s about to happen, it could could be in a thing and the show’s about to start. You’d be like, well, I don’t need to see the show now. I’m just gonna leave, but, Yeah. It’s so early is in my opinion. It’s the best advantage. Plus, yeah, if you’re there earlier, then you can leave earlier if you want.
David Hall [00:32:59]:
Yeah. I definitely like to pick my seat. I, you know, I’m kinda particular about where to sit. And, also, I think that some anxiety comes from unfamiliar situations because we’re, you know, we we do tend to turn inward more often. And so what you’re saying is you get there early and you really can’t observe what’s going on, and that can definitely reduce anxiety like you’re describing.
Nick Shelton [00:33:24]:
Yes. Yeah. You you know there’s other people that are they come in. They’re trying to figure it out. You already know. You already have your sandwiches. you already know where you’re sitting. And, yeah, I used to there were some conferences that I went to, and I would get there. And then there’s some tables that people are already sitting, and then I have the the the decision where I say do I wanna sit at this table with this group that’s already sitting? or I can be the king of the table over here. I’ll be the first one to sit at this table and then we’ll see who chooses to come sit with me and I can also wave people over Come over here. Sit with me. And, then they’re sitting at my table. And so that’s, That’s always I don’t know. It feels good to me to to do that.
David Hall [00:34:09]:
Yeah. So you get there early and then In your book, you write about how how to make your entrance. What do you say about that?
Nick Shelton [00:34:19]:
Oh, the, the Cape walk. So — Yeah. The cape. I, yeah, so I I always say it like you would you would walk in like you’re wearing a cape because One of my friends had said, I don’t know what I look like when I walk into the room. I don’t know if I look approachable. If I look weird and creepy, And if you walk like you’re wearing a cape, then you’re always gonna have good posture and you walk wanna walk to, like, the cape would have a nice drape to it and flow correctly. So when you walk in, so I always say I sometimes say it out loud. I don’t yell it or anything, but I’ll say the cake log. And then I start then I walk in and it always gives you this, like, who’s this? Who’s this walking in? And, you know, men and women could both do it. you just, yeah, walk like you’re wearing a a cape. Anyone can put that into practice. And when I was doing workshops around this, I actually supplied capes for everybody. And we all got up and walked around the room, and you can feel that difference. Like, oh, when you had that cape on, you’re not slouching, you are you’re looking good. This is the best version of you with this cape. So and that’s the best way to walk into the room. You can be not doing that when you get up to the interest. But once you cross through that threshold, cape walk.
David Hall [00:35:37]:
So in your in your in person workshop, that the actual cape made a difference. People were walking more confidently differently.
Nick Shelton [00:35:44]:
Yes. Yeah. I I because know, I could say let’s just pretend like we have caves, which, you know, that’s effective, but I said, let’s just get a bunch of capes and actually put capes on people. And Yeah. It was, it’s it’s great. People, you know, they everything changes. Everyone’s, like, more upbeat and smiling. They have a lot of fun with it. Yeah. Then so the the cape, yeah, definitely makes a difference. So you just have to remember what that’s like. and actually walk like you have the cape on. And if you’re really bold, you maybe actually wear a cape to the event. I don’t know. You’ll definitely have a conversation starter. Yeah. And, yeah, it’s a it’s it’s a really cool cool way that I find to just make sure that you know, I’m put together and my posture is good and I look confident and, like, I know what I’m doing when I walk in.
David Hall [00:36:38]:
You have another strategy. it kinda like when you were saying, Was it your friend? I think that didn’t know how they looked. And sometimes, you know, as introverts are facial expressions may not match what’s going on inside. Yes. And so you have another strategy for that as well.
Nick Shelton [00:36:56]:
Yes. So that is the Duke cookie face. I believe you’re talking about.
David Hall [00:37:00]:
Nick Shelton [00:37:01]:
David Hall [00:41:43]:
Now I want some cookies.
Nick Shelton [00:41:46]:
Yes. And, yes, after I first started telling people about that. People would bring me cookies all the time. And I was like, oh, I don’t need actual cookies all the time. I’ll I I take the cookies. I accept them, but it’s like, you know, if there’s probably some healthier options, even even though they probably won’t give me the same expression if you just brought me a bunch of celery or something. Right.
David Hall [00:42:09]:
Right. But often, we are misunderstood because we might be drifting inward. We’re thinking, you know, doing some deep thought and, you know, we may not look approachable and that kind of thing. So I think it’s a really good extra a really good strategy to to remind yourself of something like cookies or something like that where, you know, you you are you are looking like your happy self
Nick Shelton [00:42:33]:
Yes. Yeah. So whatever your listeners like, so they might not be cookies, but if if there’s something that they really enjoy, Just imagine that you’re about to be offered that, and then that will give you the proper expression to hold.
David Hall [00:42:48]:
So when you’re doing these events, you know, whether it’s with pilots or you’re at the opera or wherever, how do you avoid a imposter syndrome setting in?
Nick Shelton [00:42:58]:
Oh, so for me, I know that a lot of people have issues with that. And for me, it’s a there’s several things. Like, so one thing I could say, I’m Becoming this. So I’m not expected to necessarily know all the stuff. I am learning. I’m here to learn. I’m becoming it in in the quicker that I can explain to somebody that I don’t know. It’s kinda like what we touched on earlier. If I show up at a beekeeping event and I don’t know anything about beekeeping, and there’s one way where I can be like, I have to look like I know about beekeeping or I can immediately tell somebody. I don’t know how this works. please explain it to me and forgive me if I am doing something wrong because I don’t know. Then that takes a lot of pressure off because then they’re not expecting you to know what to talk about with the bees and how to act around bees or anything like that. So just admitting that you don’t know That’s one thing. Another thing is, I like to tell myself, oh, this is a dream. I’m dreaming this. and you can do anything in your dream. This isn’t real. Sure. This would be awkward if it were real, but it’s not. It’s a simulation. And, so is if you can convince yourself that that’s the way it is, then it’s a it’s very it’s very helpful. But I think for me, the the biggest, the easiest thing is just telling somebody as soon as you get there, like, just saying, I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on. And so, like, I would hold these wine and cheese events and, you know, some some people really know about wine and they’d be like, oh, what do you think of it? And let’s say, I don’t I don’t know. I don’t know about it. I just got some. and I asked that the guy at the store, what are it’s good wine. But if I was trying to seem like I know then that’s where the, a lot of the issues come in if I’m like, I don’t want to be discovered that I don’t know. But if I just admit I don’t yeah. I I have no idea. And a lot of times, what’ll happen is sometimes people will think that you’re just saying that, but you really do know. So I’d be like, no. I don’t really know about wine. They’ll be like, oh, yes. You do. Like, no. I I really don’t. I don’t know. And so but you’ve you’ve at least put it out there and then you it usually takes the for me, it’ll take the weight off of me if I just claim to not know. I don’t know what’s going on. Like, you know, I I love sailboats. And then if I get on a sailboat, then people are like, oh, yeah. wanna help out? Or like, I don’t I don’t know. They’re like, you love sailboats. You go sailing all the time. Yes. True. But that doesn’t mean I know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m doing. I will help, but I don’t know what I’m doing. Just so you know, don’t expect me to know what I’m doing. And so, I’ve done that on dates where I’ll say, yeah, I have no idea what’s going on. And, you know, sometimes it’s it’s met with, you know, some laughter, and it’s fun. And then other times, you’re like, really? That it’s but, yeah, it’s For me, I would say that’s the the key to just getting rid of it out of the right away is just vocalizing to somebody that whatever it is that you’re insecure about, just say, yeah, I don’t I don’t know. Kinda like the the pilot. I was a imposter at the pilot’s event. I’m like, oh, no. I’m not I’m not a pilot. I’m just here. You know, up here, I went to I was in Sri Lanka at a high level criminal attorneys gathering in Sri Lanka. and it’s like, I’m not a, attorney. And these are the top criminal attorneys, and they’re all at this thing. And it’s like, this, and I made a video about it. I said, this is upon syndrome here, I so, like, who is this guy? Why is he here? Like, well, I was just invited to come, so I’m here. So I can talk to you about whatever you want as long as it’s not not about whatever it is you guys do. And that’s why I admitted that right away. I don’t know anything about that. But if you wanna talk about, like, my favorite pizza toppings or something, I gotcha. I’m there.
David Hall [00:47:21]:
Do you have any other tips for introverts and confidence?
Nick Shelton [00:47:24]:
Oh, let’s see. Confidence. I would just well, so the most important thing is just show up and then for me, and the confidence is a little tough because I know a lot of people for that comfort zone, people really like to be in the comfort zone and I always like to to try to push my limits, but a lot of people don’t like to push their limits So I I say for the confidence, the more reps you can get in, then the more confident you’ll be. So if you show up so that’s why I say that when you show up at one of these events, you don’t have to try to do everything the first time. Just show up. If you just show up and then you leave, at least you showed up, you went in, and then you can walk in, get yourself one of those little finger sandwiches, turn around, walk out, and be like, oh, yeah. I was there. And then maybe the next time you go in and then you might go and stand next to somebody and watch some other people talk and not engage. Then you can leave and then come back and just add on to it. So for to get some confidence, I would just say, yeah, the more reps you can get in, then the more it’s you can be like, okay. I’ve made it this far before. I’ll just add on to it and then it feel a lot more comfortable than if you were just trying to do everything the first time and make the big jump. If you just take just baby steps and you don’t have to justify it to anybody and no one you don’t have to say, well, you just because you know where your limits are at that time. So I just say just try to push just a little bit more, and then you can stop. Give yourself permission to to leave and do something else. But as long as you’re moving forward, then you will start building the confidence, but, yeah, it just happens a little at a time. Some people can push a little farther, but if if you’re not one of those people, then just take the take the baby steps and you will build the confidence through those repetitions.
David Hall [00:49:34]:
Yeah. Absolutely. I think we both refer to that as, like, expanding your comfort zone. I know that changing your thoughts is an important part of that. Hey. Do you know what? I can do this. That’s not so bad. You know?
Nick Shelton [00:49:46]:
Yeah. Yeah. That’s go ahead.
David Hall [00:49:49]:
I was just gonna say as introverts, a lot of times, you know, people say just get out of your comfort zone. But we probably have been doing that. And if you don’t, like, change your thoughts, you’re just gonna keep getting out of it over and over again where you can actually expand it like you’re describing you know, by maybe by taking baby steps or or however far you’re willing to push that, but you can change it so you don’t have to just keep getting out of it.
Nick Shelton [00:50:14]:
Right. And one way that I have done that in the past was So for example, when I was meeting girls in I’d I it was really tough when I first started doing it, but then I met someone in a college that was they did this every day. They would go out and talk to girls, and then I was with him. And then he’s like, let’s just go to McDonald’s. and go talk to some girls there. And I said, what? And then so I was just with him. So I was just standing next to him, and he was talking. And then I would go, yeah. You know, just add on to whatever. And then after just being around that energy and just being next to him doing stuff that really expanded my ability to break out of my shell and talk a little bit more because I’d say, okay. I’m watching him do it next to me, and now I’ll just add on to it. And now you know, so it’s it made a little crutch. So I was like, I need to be with him when we do this, but it did help expand my knowledge and expand my comfort. So then when I was in a situation that was just me and saying, well, what did we do before? I remember he said these things, so now I’ll say these things. So that kind of helped. So if you could find, so whatever situation is that you’re trying to do. If you find somebody who’s really comfortable at whatever that is and you just happen to be with them and you can say, hey. I wanna go with you whenever you go to this. Or if you’re going to an event and you say, maybe you can come and will and although I try to tell people to go by yourself because then you’re forced to talk to other people. But if there’s somebody that is really good at something and you can have them with you, then you can kind of maybe learn what did they do? How did that work? And then you can throw in. Yeah. Me too. Yes. That’s right. And that’s that might also help.
David Hall [00:52:14]:
Yeah. So You go to the event. You make a good connection, and maybe that’s all you’re there to do is make one good connection. Then how do you follow-up after that? How do you maintain the relationship beyond the event with this good connection?
Nick Shelton [00:52:30]:
Oh, yes. Yeah. I yeah, it’s really important to follow-up because a lot of people are horrible following up with people. And so I like to follow-up right away, like, the next day because that way you’re still fresh in the other person’s mind. And if they have if you have an address, like, if you have a business card or something that you got from them and it has an address, I like to I’ll send actual mail. I’ll write something out and send it to him because people don’t do that these days. So it’ll really make you stand out Or if you don’t have that, you have the email. Send them the email and say, hey. It was great meeting you. And we talked about X Y Z and You know, I’ll I might ask him about the a question about something just to kinda get the conversation rolling, something simple, and then, you know, that’s at the beginning just to keep things going. So not delay a week or 2 weeks so then they’re like, who? I don’t remember. It’s just like that. Next day, hit them. And then after that, my maintaining the relationships is once every 3 months of quarterly. If I haven’t talked to someone, I I make a list. I go through all my contacts. contacts my phone and email contacts. And I see who have I not talked to that I would have liked to have talked to in the past 3 months and then I make a list of those people, and then I start start moving down the list. And some people have my call. Some people I will, my favorite thing is sending a little video. So I’ll get my phone and I’ll make a little video so that way they can see me the body language, and then I’ll ask, you know, how was your knee surgery? How was, your kid’s karate championship? How’d that go? Here’s what’s going on with me. So then that’s that way they’ll know what’s happening with me. I’ll and I’ll ask them about them. So then they’ll usually respond and I’ll know what’s going on with them. So that way, every 3 months, I will know what’s happening, and and everyone will know what’s happening with me. So that way, if there’s something that comes up that they think I’d be a good fit for, it hasn’t been 5 years since they talked to me. They’ll be like, oh, Nick’s working on that. or we have this sailboat and we have extra space and Nick likes sailboats, maybe he would like to go. Or I would know something that they’re working on but they say, hey, I’m working on a book. Do you know a publisher or something like that? And let’s say, or they might just say I’m working on a book and then I might say, oh, I I know somebody that you should probably talk to about your book. You know, so there’s if if they know what’s going on with you and you know what’s gonna then you can help each other. And you keep the stay top of mind. You keep it fresh, but everyone always wants to wait and say, well, I Reached out to them once and now it’s their turn. They gotta reach out to me. But, no, don’t do that. You have to take it on yourself and say, I’m going to keep this going. I’m gonna be the one because everyone’s so horrible at it. If you wait for them to do it, it’s just not gonna happen. You have to kinda carry the torch.
David Hall [00:55:35]:
Yeah. Absolutely. Wow. We’ve talked about so many great things, so many great strategies. Is there anything else you wanna add, Nick?
Nick Shelton [00:55:44]:
I would just say that you just have to to show up, but definitely get out there, look look for events that might be of interest to you and go out there to gather go back to those five people. Try to think of what you would like your life to be like and who has whatever it is that you would like to have and whether it’s a they have the type of relationship wanna have or if they have some kind of material thing that you wanna have, who is that? Where are they at? if you can think of where they might be, then you need to start looking for those events and then show up and don’t rush yourself, but just gradually ease in there and and, be around them, but it all comes down to showing up. If you don’t show up, nothing’s gonna happen. So introvert or not, just be in the room. get into the room. That’s the most important thing.
David Hall [00:56:40]:
Yeah. Absolutely. So, Nick, where can people find out more about your book and and the work that you do?
Nick Shelton [00:56:46]:
So the book, an introvert’s guide to World Domination is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. And, also, you can go to connected introvert.com, and that will also lead you to the book and to all the wonderful things that I’m up to.
David Hall [00:57:03]:
Sounds great. I will put that in the show notes, and it’s been a lot of fun chat with you tonight, Nick. And thank you.
Nick Shelton [00:57:08]:
Thank you very much. It’s been a pleasure.
David Hall [00:57:11]:
Thank you so much for joining me. I look forward to further connecting with you. Reach out at david at quietandstrong.com. Or check out the quiet and strong dot com website, which includes blog posts, links to social media, and other items. Send me topics or guests you would like to see on the show. If you’re interested in getting to know yourself better, there’s now a free type finder personality assessment on the Quiet and Strong website. This free assessment will give you a brief report, including the 4 letter Myers Briggs code. I’ll add a link to the show notes. There’s so many great things about being an introvert, so we need those to be understood. Get to know your introverted strengths and needs and be strong.