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Show Notes
Have you ever found yourself in a social situation feeling completely drained and overwhelmed? Do you struggle to prioritize rest and self-care as an introvert in an extroverted world?
In this episode, David visits with Jess Cabrera as she shares her personal journey with burnout and self-acceptance as an introverted person in the marketing industry. We will delve into the misconceptions about introversion and learn about the unique strengths introverts possess. Jess will also share strategies for building tiny habits and setting boundaries to manage energy drains and prioritize self-care.
Whether you’re an introvert looking to better understand and embrace your natural tendencies or an extrovert interested in gaining insight into the introvert experience, this episode is for you.
Tune in to uncover valuable insights and practical tips to help you live a more energized and fulfilling life.
_ _ _
Jess Cabrera is an introvert who broke free from a 10-year-long cycle of overwhelm and burnout by doing what she was cautioned against: being herself.
She then founded Introverts Can, a resource and coaching service that helps ambitious introverts who are overwhelmed, overstimulated, and just go from drained to energized.
She does this by helping them create new habits that serve their needs and wants as introverts.
The results? More energy, more confidence, and more self-trust.
Contact Jess:
Website: IntrovertsCan.co
Jess’s From Drained to Energized Coaching Program
Social Media: LinkedIn | Instagram
– – –
Contact the Host of the Quiet and Strong Podcast:
David Hall
Author, Speaker, Educator, Podcaster
quietandstrong.com
Gobio.link/quietandstrong
david [at] quietandstrong.com
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Questions and Answers About This Episode
1. What is the goal of the program discussed in this episode?
Answer: The goal of the program is to help introverted people feel more energized and create new habits through self-acceptance work and changing old patterns and behaviors.
2. What were some of the negative behaviors the speaker engaged in due to their introversion?
Answer: The speaker put themselves in social situations even when exhausted, prioritized work over high-quality rest, and developed perfectionistic tendencies.
3. How does the program help people manage their energy and avoid drain?
Answer: The program helps people understand that their daily experience is their life and encourages them to create daily experiences that are not draining or painful. It also helps them to match effort to energy and avoid taking up more energy than is available.
4. What is the Tiny Habits method mentioned in the episode?
Answer: The Tiny Habits method is a way of building habits in just 30 seconds or less by breaking down a behavior into a tiny version, finding a natural place for it, and nurturing it to grow. It eliminates discomfort and celebrates small victories to make the process enjoyable and promote long-lasting change.
5. What are some of the introverted strengths that the speaker identifies in their clients?
Answer: Some of the introverted strengths identified include thoughtfulness, creativity, thoroughness, and fairness.
6. How did the speaker’s view of their introversion change over time?
Answer: The speaker initially saw their introversion as a negative quality and tried to hide it, but after experiencing burnout in their full-time job, they had a moment of radical self-acceptance and saw introversion as an asset.
7. What are some of the tools that the speaker recommends for managing energy and avoiding drain as an introvert?
Answer: The tools recommended include managing thoughts/beliefs that push them to act out of alignment, managing overstimulation, prioritizing rest and toning down feelings of guilt around it, setting boundaries and actively communicating them, and having tools for self-soothing.
8. What are some of the common misconceptions about introverts?
Answer: Introverts are often misunderstood to be anti-social or incapable of socializing, but this is limiting because it prevents conversations about other energy drains, such as technology and work boundaries.
9. How can introverts successfully respond to spontaneous opinion requests?
Answer: The speaker suggests creating a script that sounds thoughtful and smart to respond to spontaneous opinion requests. The script includes asking for time to think about the question and getting back to the asker later.
10. What is the most effective way to create new habits, according to the Tiny Habits method?
Answer: According to the Tiny Habits method, the most effective way to create new habits is to focus on feeling good and proud of oneself after completing a tiny behavior. This positive reinforcement helps the habit stick and can improve self-confidence and self-worth.
Time-Stamped Overview
[00:02:06] A woman shares her journey of accepting her introversion after feeling insecure and trying to be extroverted. She learned about the science of introversion and saw it as an asset rather than a roadblock.
[00:05:42] Overworking and neglecting self-care due to feeling inadequate in social and work settings. Pretending to be someone else to fit in. Perfectionistic tendencies and pressure to perform quickly added to the tension.
[00:10:33] Tiny Habits is a method of building habits by starting with a 30-second or less version of the behavior, finding a natural place for it in your life, nurturing it, and celebrating the change. Unlike the belief that it takes 21 days to build a habit, starting small and eliminating discomfort leads to lasting changes even during busy periods.
[00:13:42] Create a script to respond with a well-thought-out answer instead of giving an immediate opinion, then celebrate setting a boundary and protecting your energy.
[00:18:44] The text discusses the value of being able to thoroughly think through something from A to Z, and how this skill has been helpful in customer experience work and coaching. The author also notes that introverts tend to possess strengths such as thoughtfulness, creativity, and fairness.
[00:21:47] The author aims to dispel the misconception that introverts cannot socialize, which is limiting and harmful, and highlights other energy drains such as technology and work boundaries that affect introverts’ experiences in social settings. They argue that introverts can build strong relationships when given the chance to recharge their energy.
[00:26:52] Podcaster teaches introverted people to create energizing daily experiences through new habits, self-acceptance, and stopping old behaviors. Daily experiences make up our lives, and managing them is vital in avoiding burnout.
[00:29:08] Introverts should manage their thoughts, limit overstimulation, prioritize rest, set boundaries, and have tools for self-soothing.
[00:36:15] To navigate out of overwhelm: reduce noise, prioritize high-quality rest through non-work activities, and match effort to current energy levels. Pay down stress debt from accumulated stress in the body.
[00:40:05] Celebrating and feeling good about oneself helps form habits, not pushing through and gritting teeth. The Tiny Habits method involves celebrating after performing a tiny behavior. This positive reinforcement creates a ripple effect, improving self-confidence and a sense of capability to change. It is especially helpful for introverted clients.
Podcast Transcript
Jess Cabrera [00:00:00]:
When I’ve spoken to clients about this, the reason why they sometimes feel uncomfortable in social settings is because they’re already showing up to them drained. They’re not doing the things in their personal life, they’re not giving themselves permission, and they’re not also having the cooperation from their environment to be able to recharge their energy enough to show up to that social wedding and experience it.
David Hall [00:00:36]:
Hello, and welcome to episode 120 of the Quiet and Strong Podcast, especially for introverts. I’m your host, David Hall, and the creator of quietandstrongcom. This is a weekly podcast dedicated to understanding the strengths and needs of introverts. Introversion is not something to fix, but to be embraced normally. We’ll air each episode on a Monday. Be sure to subscribe on your favorite platform, leave a review. That would mean a lot to me. Tell a friend about the podcast and help get the word out there that introversion is a beautiful thing. Jess Cabrera is an introvert who broke free from a ten year long cycle of overwhelm and burnout by doing what she was cautioned against: being herself. She then founded Introvertscan, a resource and coaching service that helps ambitious introverts who are overwhelmed, overstimulated go from drained to energized. She does this by helping them create new habits that serve their needs and wants as introverts. The results? More energy, more confidence, and more self-trust. All right. Welcome to the quiet and strong Podcast. Jess, I’m so excited to have you on today.
Jess Cabrera [00:01:46]:
I am so excited to be here with you today. Thank you for having me.
David Hall [00:01:50]:
Absolutely. We’re going to get into the work you do coaching introverts, but let’s start out with you. Tell us about yourself. How did you figure out that you were an introvert and how did you embrace that to find success and now coach other introverts?
Jess Cabrera [00:02:06]:
This is an interesting story. At least I think so, because I’ve always been aware of my introversion. I’ve always preferred really deep connections. I’ve had a few friends over, a lot of friends. I’ve always found comfort in solitary activities. I’m a big reader, love academics, like all the typical introvert traits and behaviors. But I had such a negative self-image. It was something that I was so insecure about, and I really just saw it as a blocker in my life. And I’ve heard this from a lot of other introverts. It’s just part of growing up in a very extroverted society, and I feel like I got a double dose of that. I’m Cuban, and so it’s two very extroverted cultures, western culture and Cuban culture. So initially, I really wanted to be an extrovert. I really pushed myself to be extroverted. And there was a lot of discomfort in my life that I accepted as a normal and just part of the process of succeeding. And unfortunately, a lot of those actions were reinforced. So for me, it was less of an awareness of my introversion and more of a pivot in the way that I perceived it. So that big moment came when I quit my full time job because I had been burned out for about ten years. And I thought, you know what, this is it. I’m going to go out on my own. I’m going to start my own business, and I’m going to take control of my life and my energy. And then I went ahead and I did the very same things that led me to introvert burnout in my full-time gig. And it was the worst experience of burnout in my tenure career. And I think it led to this moment of radical self-acceptance where I was like, okay, I cannot keep doing this. This is going to destroy me. And that was the very first time in my life that I allowed myself to learn about my introversion and learn about it objectively, like learn about the science of introversion, and started to see it as more of an asset than a roadblock. And so once I’ll never forget, we were doing this vacation, we were out by the pool and I was reading a book, and I started to read about introverted integrated brain and the nervous system. And that was just this light bulb moment of like, oh, wait, I was born like this. There are things in my brain and my body that are contributing to this and it is not something that I have to fight. It is something that I can work with. And it’s just about creating the right conditions to be able to succeed and feel good doing it. And so that was a really big moment for me. So I think, yeah, it was more about that shift in perspective because I’ve always been a quiet, introverted person. I just didn’t really like it at first.
David Hall [00:05:35]:
Radical self-acceptance, I love that. Talk just a little bit more about what were the things that were burning you out?
Jess Cabrera [00:05:42]:
Yeah, that is a long list, but I think at the core of it, it was this belief that the person I was was not enough. She wasn’t a likable person, she wasn’t a capable person, and she needed to be more like her extroverted colleagues. So there was a lot of putting myself in social settings, even when I was exhausted, because that’s what people did. So I was in marketing and advertising for ten years and team happy hours and client happy hours and mixers and networking events. Those were all very common. And so I would put myself in those situations, really was not prioritizing high-quality rest or alone time and was working way beyond my limits. Again, just like trying to keep up with my extroverted colleagues and thinking if I work harder than them, then I’ll compensate for the fact that I get tired when I’m around clients after a while, or business travel really wears me out and I’m not the brightest person at a client dinner. There was also a lot of I think when we get into a state where we’re energetically drained and we’re pushing through and we’re thinking, I have to work harder, there are a lot of things that, at least for me and for some of the clients that I’ve worked with, a lot of basic self-care kind of goes out the window. You start to sacrifice. You don’t take lunch because now you’re going to work through it because you want to prove that you’re just as capable as somebody else. Or you don’t exercise or don’t drink water because you’re too busy, caught up in the work and the overwhelm that you forget to get up and drink water. So a lot of those I think, self-care things too, just went out the window. And that coupled with then other factors like, I’m a thinking introvert, so I’m going to go down the rabbit hole sometimes and have some perfectionistic tendencies. I’m very detail-oriented, and that also created some tension, right. Because there’s this expectation that you’re going to move quickly in marketing and advertising. You’re agile, you’re going to think on your feet and be quick and witty and smart and so smart in quotations. And so there are a lot of factors, I would say, but at the core of it was just pretending to be someone I was not because I just did not know how to work with the person I was and see the best in who I am.
David Hall [00:08:49]:
Yes. Wow, you said so much there. We’re going to get into all of that throughout this episode. But first, how did you find the resources that you needed for this radical self acceptance?
Jess Cabrera [00:08:59]:
Yeah, so I am a reader. That is my form of my favorite solitary and activity for high-quality rest. So I just started to read books on the subject of introversion, and that was very helpful for me. I was working with a wonderful coach at the time, a career coach, who was helping me transition from a full-time job to being a business owner. And that was a very valuable resource. But I think having some information about introversion specifically because that was not her area of expertise, I supplemented that with all of this research around introversion. And then Tiny Habits is a method that I’m sure we’ll talk about a little later. But that was another really important tool for me in this process because once I learned so much about my introversion and what it meant, I still needed a really practical way to design this life right, that was now going to work with my introversion, not against it. And Tiny Habits gave me that tool that I needed to be able to create new behaviors, create new habits, stop old ones that I no longer wanted, and work to work with my introversion.
David Hall [00:10:30]:
So while we’re on the subject, what is a tiny habit?
Jess Cabrera [00:10:33]:
So Tiny Habit is so interesting because it is truly a tiny version. So it takes 30 seconds or less it’s a tiny version of a behavior that you want to create or a habit that you want to build. And the way that it works is you take the behavior that you want to create or the habit that you want to build, you break it down into that 32nd or less version, you find a place in your life where it can fit naturally, and then you nurture it and it grows from there. And what makes it so cool is there is so much content out there that says if you want to create a new behavior, you have to push through and suffer through 21 days. And then it’s imprinted on your brain and you’re good to go. And that’s really not true. Research has shown that that is not the most effective way to build habits, the way the Tiny Habits method approaches it, which is you actually start really small and you eliminate all the discomfort. You don’t push through, you don’t white knuckle your way through this process. You make it enjoyable by celebrating the fact that you’re creating change in your life. That is what is going to lead to that long lasting change that’s going to give your habit time to really take root. And it grows over time is the other factor here. But even if you have a hard day, the fact that you already started with a tiny version means you have something to fall back on. So even if you grow it to be this big behavior, let’s say you hit a busy season which is so normal and natural, you can always keep your habit in place by just doing the tiny version for as long as you need to to get back to the place where you can do the bigger version of it again.
David Hall [00:12:30]:
And what’s an example of a tiny habit and how does this apply to being an introvert? What’s different about developing a tiny habit or a need for a tiny habit being an introvert?
Jess Cabrera [00:12:41]:
So I think why this method excited me so much at first and why I felt it would be so relevant for introverts, is that creating changes in our behavior, it takes energy. It requires us to expel energy. It’s mental, it’s emotional, it’s physical, even. And as introverts, we have to be really mindful of our energy. So the fact that this is a way to start really tiny, to manage that change in a way that’s sustainable and that is not going to completely drain you. That is why I think it’s so valuable for introverts and an example of a tiny habit that an introvert might implement. And I think this is one of my personal favorites is have you ever been in a meeting where they give you all this information, a process, and then they’re like, hey, what do you think? And they want you to answer in the moment.
David Hall [00:13:40]:
I have been there. Yes.
Jess Cabrera [00:13:42]:
Okay. And continues to be one of the most draining things for me. And it’s come up with clients as well. Right. That feeling of, like, that deer in headlights, my brain is still working to get through all this information, and now you want me to give you my opinion. So one of those tiny habits that I’ve created and has helped people implement is you come up with a script that sounds really thoughtful and smart, and in that moment, you just respond with your script and you celebrate yourself for doing it. So here’s what it kind of sounds like. After I’m asked to give my opinion on the spot, I will respond by saying, that’s a great question and I want to give you the best, most thoughtful answer. Is it okay if I take the day to think about this and get back to you and then you do something to celebrate yourself? It could be thinking like, man, I’m awesome, or I am taking such great care of myself, or you can clap quietly under the table. But just to make yourself feel proud of the fact that you just stood up for yourself and set a boundary and protected your energy and the fact that you have it scripted ahead of time just makes it so easy to spit that out without having to think about it. And that’s how it works. You kind of automate some of these behaviors based on what’s going on in your life already.
David Hall [00:15:13]:
Yeah, I love that. And you know what? We’re going to talk about this, but you said you’re a deep thinker and that’s what introversion is. We’re deep thinkers. Some of us are more deep feelers or both. And we need some time to think. We don’t always like, sometimes if you’ve given something a lot of thought, our conversation today, we probably could do this without much thought ahead of time because we’ve given it a lot of thought. But sometimes we might need a moment, and that’s in your script. Hey, give me a moment to think about that or I’ll call you tomorrow. That’s so empowering, but for the longest time, I didn’t know how to do that. We’ve both been through that where we were caught and somebody wants an immediate answer. But we can assure them, I’m going to give you a well thought out answer and it’s going to be really good, but I don’t have it right now, so let me think about that. I think that’s a saving phrase for us sometimes. Let me think about that and how.
Jess Cabrera [00:16:11]:
Good does that sound? Right? Who doesn’t want one thing I realized is to add on to what you said is initially in my career, I thought the faster I am on my feet, the more people will see me as a valuable asset. And now it’s the opposite. Right. I’ve accepted people want thoughtful answers. Right. And it differs based on the industry you’re in. And if you’re a surgeon right, people probably want you to be able to react in the moment. But for me, in marketing and advertising, I was like, the most value I can provide is to be thoughtful in my response and to give my clients good recommendations that are based in research or that are based in just solid reflection and analysis. And so, yeah, it’s also accepting that’s not a bad thing, asking for that time to think. You’re just being of service, of value. You’re doing something for the greater good, the best for everybody.
David Hall [00:17:20]:
Yeah. And I’ve given this a lot of thought lately, and it’s like, we’re not always going to need time to think. I always say that because sometimes I’ll share my process and people, oh, you need time to think about that. Almost in a negative way. It’s like, no, but what will happen is you share that, you do some great work, and you will start to be respected for it, and people will look to that as your gift. And of course, a lot of that we can also prepare ahead of time for things that’s really important in all this. But you can only prepare so much. We’re not going to be able to change where we without preparation with something new to us. We’re not going to think faster. That’s not our gift. But again, let’s talk about our gifts. A gift of ours is to think deeply. And again, if you do it and you show people, they will start to look for you, like, oh, yeah, Jess is going to come up with something great here, so I will let her have some time to think about that.
Jess Cabrera [00:18:20]:
Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. And it’s a huge confidence builder too, taking those little steps.
David Hall [00:18:28]:
So a part of all this is finding out what our strengths are. So what would you say is a strength that you’ve discovered that you have because you’re an introvert or maybe a strength that you’ve seen in other introverts that you’re working with?
Jess Cabrera [00:18:44]:
Yeah, well, I think for me, one thing that has helped me, and again, it’s one of those things that I was frustrated about at first, and now I value it so deeply is my ability to think through something, A to Z and turn over every stone. And the more it’s so funny to me because I’m the kind of person who’s like, I want all the information, give me all the information, I’ll take it, I’ll process it, I’ll think about it, and then I’ll give you a really detailed response. Or I can scale it back to the need to know. But I’ll have considered every possible factor and outcome. And as I progressed through my career, despite everything that was going on, I will say the work that I found the most rewarding and engaging was like customer experience. Work. That was that a to z. Thinking of how do you move the customer through this journey and how do they and I think that’s also helped tremendously with coaching clients and having thinking about programs is really being able to think about what my clients experience from beginning to end with the caveat that everybody’s situation is unique. But there are some I’d say consistencies in our journey as introverts, especially through that self discovery period. And I’d say that’s something I see a lot in my clients. They’re also really thoughtful people and I think that’s such an introverted strength creative and thorough and fair. I think that’s also something that I’ve identified excellent writers. Yeah, there are so many of those introverted strengths, I think, that are present in my clients.
David Hall [00:20:55]:
I relate to that so much. I also like to have all of the information and sometimes I’ve been given a hard time just make a decision. I’m like, oh, I need to know this and this too. I relate very much to that.
Jess Cabrera [00:21:08]:
Thank you for saying that because that is one of my bigger especially when I was doing marketing consulting, that was one of the biggest pushbacks that I got. It was like, well, just make a decision. And I’m like, no, I want all the information I need to know just in case. And I just think it’s such a part of the thought process.
David Hall [00:21:30]:
Yeah. So we definitely talk about the strengths and needs of introverts and we’re talking about that. We’ll get into some of your strategies for success that you share with your coaching clients. But another part of the show is we bust myths here. So is there a myth or two you want to bust about introversion?
Jess Cabrera [00:21:47]:
I do. The one that really if I had to pick one that’s at the very top of my list, it’s this idea that introverts are not anti people or they’re incapable of socializing. And that is, I found the misconception that tends to stick in people’s minds the most. And the reason why it really is something that I’m trying to this thing that I’m trying to dispel is because it is not only such a negative perception of introverts, we are very capable of building strong and just strong and rich and deep connections and having these really beautiful relationships with other people. But also it’s so limiting. And I say that in the sense that when somebody only focuses on introverts being anti people or not good with people or not good in social settings, they completely eliminate conversations about other energy drains that our society has normalized that are still really common and really harmful. So if we’re only focusing on this one facet, we’re not thinking about things like technology. How our use of technology throughout the workday and in our personal lives, how that drains us, or how the way our environments are set up in favor of extroverts, how those could potentially drain us, how even things like some of the boundaries that we’ve been taught not to set, especially at work, how those affect us. And so for me, I’m like, we’re not anti people and there’s so much more out there that actually contributes to the experience. And I will say this when I’ve spoken to clients about this. The reason why they sometimes feel uncomfortable in social settings is because they’re already showing up to them drained. They’re not doing the things in their personal life, they’re not giving themselves permission, and they’re not also having the cooperation from their environment to be able to recharge their energy enough to show up to that social setting and experience it. It hurts because they’re already at an energy deficit. And so that’s the other thing, too. It’s like it completely cuts. It just is such a limiting misconception that that one’s the one that if I could just eliminate it from the conversation and replace it with this idea of we are more than capable of socializing and having great connections, I would 100%. That would be my one wish if there were a genie.
David Hall [00:24:42]:
Yeah, it’s a pretty silly misconception. Of course we like people. We’re humans. We need people. We often want deeper connections, and that’s true. And we might not want as much social time, and that’s fine too, but we absolutely need connections with other people and we enjoy them. We might prefer the deeper ones, but it’s crazy to think that people think that we don’t like people. And that’s actually when I started this podcast, because we’re in the middle of the pandemic and I was hearing all these things just like this, like, oh, introverts, they must be loving this. And I’m like, no, I know a lot of lonely introverts right now that they’re not getting the connection they need because of the pandemic. That’s when I started this podcast to start busting some of those myths. And that’s one of my big ones too.
Jess Cabrera [00:25:36]:
I love that you bring that up, David. That was one of the most frustrating aspects of that narrative around working from home and being in quarantine. I was like, no, this is hard for us too. And you’re right in saying that we do need that connection. So I love that. That was one of your motivators.
David Hall [00:26:02]:
Yeah. So here I am. My wife always works from home. She has for many years. And I have three kids, and two of them were now in online school, which they did not like. And the five of us, which I love, there’s no people that I’d rather be with than my wife and my three kids. But it was a tight situation. Now we’re in my wife’s territory that she’s a fellow introvert. She’s used to having some peace and quiet throughout different parts of her day. It was crazy. But again, I’m with my family, but there were so many other people that my other family and friends that I wasn’t seeing and it was isolating, but definitely busting those myths here. And you are also hitting on some other things. Let’s talk about the energy and let’s see, is it a workshop you have?
Jess Cabrera [00:26:52]:
Yeah. So it is a program where I teach introverted people how to go from feeling drained on a daily basis to feeling more energized and really work with them to create a daily experience that is going to lead them to that place of energy through creating new habits, stopping old habits and old patterns and behaviors and also through some self acceptance work as well. Right. Because that’s another big component of it. But the goal is something I learned, especially during that last little bit of burnout that I experienced, was, and this is going to sound so obvious, but at the time it was such a profound revelation for me, was this idea that your daily experience is your life. I think at least coming from a more corporate career path, we live for the evenings, we live for the weekends, we live for vacation and kind of dismiss what goes on during our work days. And we just think that’s how it is. It’s going to be painful and it’s going to be uncomfortable. And I was like, no, it’s not. It doesn’t have to be that way. And that, you know, that makes up my life, that makes up our lives. So helping people create these daily experiences that help them just show up in ways that don’t hurt them, that don’t drain them or manage the drain, that’s a big part of this program.
David Hall [00:28:34]:
Yeah, and we should enjoy every day. It’s no kind of life when you’re only living for the weekends or the worst thing. I hear people say, oh, I can’t wait till retirement. They’re a young person and it’s years away. And I’m like, no, you need to enjoy every day. There’s always going to be things that we don’t like to do and the things that we have to take care of in this life. But if for the most part you can enjoy your life every day, I love that you’re saying every day. So tell us about that. How does an introvert set up their life to enjoy every day?
Jess Cabrera [00:29:08]:
Well, before I jump into that, it’s so funny. You mentioned that bit about retirement. We were out to dinner last night, and we walked past a luxury senior living facility, and I looked at my husband and I was like, I don’t understand. I was like, I want to have a great life when I’m older and retired. I do. Wonderful life. I want to enjoy myself. But also I don’t want to wait until I’m older and retired to be able to have these happy days and these moments of leisure. And so I just love that you brought that up. It felt very just like a really fun coincidence. But just as far as setting up your days as an introvert there are five main things that I work with my clients on and they are managing thoughts or beliefs that are going to push you to act out of alignment. So getting clear on what those are for each person and then coming up with ways to kind of dial down that noise, that inner noise of I’m not enough or I need to do it this way or I should be doing it that way, I shouldn’t be resting, I haven’t earned this rest. That kind of thinking. Then there is managing over stimulation. So making sure that you’re not allowing more stimuli than you need to or that you want to in your life, figuring out the best way to set boundaries for yourself. A lot of the work that we do is around creating those scripts. Once clients have identified where they feel like their boundaries are being busted or where they’d like to set some limits, but really making sure that clients are empowered to actively communicate what they don’t want and where they want people to meet them. Then there’s the relationship with rest. So making sure that rest is a priority and that those feelings of guilt around rest are toned down, kind of rewriting that relationship. And the fifth thing is having tools for self soothing. And I mean that because as we as introverts, as we learn to stand up for ourselves to help dispel some of those misconceptions, the reality is we do live in an extroverted culture and there are going to be moments where there’s friction where things happen or people say things that trigger us or affect us. And so having the right tools that are going to help self soothe us, that’s really important as well, to be able to get through those moments without energy drain.
David Hall [00:32:10]:
Yeah, I love that. That’s gold right there, those five things. So you also talk a lot about overwhelm and I think probably those five things can help you not be overwhelmed. Is that accurate?
Jess Cabrera [00:32:22]:
Yes, absolutely. And so for me, I think the connection between overwhelm and introversion is this once you’re feeling overwhelmed, chances are and there are a lot of factors that contribute to overwhelm. I don’t want to oversimplify it, but as it pertains to introversion, it’s typically a sign that you’re in a state of energy deficit. You’re experiencing an introvert hangover or you’re close to introvert burnout. The reason being is if you’re overstimulated and under rested, you’re operating from an empty tank, your battery is drained, you’re in an energy deficit. And so naturally you’re not going to be able to meet external and internal demands and it’s going to start to feel overwhelming. And so I do think that is all interconnected. And really there’s focusing on overstimulation rest and setting boundaries, probably that first stage of managing that introvert overwhelm and being able to move away from that.
David Hall [00:33:38]:
Definitely. So is that what you would say if someone finds themselves in. Overwhelm. Is that the strategy on how to start to get out of it?
Jess Cabrera [00:33:47]:
Yes, absolutely. So I think I look at it as a two-phased approach, but the first phase is really dialing down the noise. And I mean that literally and metaphorically. So overstimulation cutting out a lot of things that could be just potentially draining you from. Maybe it’s putting your cell phone on. Do not disturb. Maybe it’s staying off social media for a little bit or cutting out the news or booking a conference room at work if you’re in an open office floor plan. That was one of my best strategies when I was working and advertising. I would just book conference rooms for the day and I would disappear. So dialing down the literal noise just 1 second, though.
David Hall [00:34:38]:
Talking about living in an extroverted world, who thinks that this is a good idea in the open office plan? It’s just not effective. We need some time to think. And I always think, you know what, everybody should just have office but have spaces where you could go and collaborate when you need to. But yeah, I just couldn’t let that one go because I know you probably have given that a lot of thought. It’s not a great plan for us introverts to not have some we need some time to think. We need some time to collaborate. Yes, absolutely. But we need some focused time to do a lot of things.
Jess Cabrera [00:35:10]:
100%. That was one of my biggest frustrations, was every agency that I worked in had an open office floor plan. And I was like, okay, clearly an extrovert designed this because just seeing people walk back and forth all day, that alone was draining because it kept pulling me out of deep work. And so, yeah, it’s one of those things. My very first gig in advertising, their offices were built I think they were built maybe in the every person did get their office, their own office, regardless of your level of seniority and what. I mean, it’s something I took for granted. What a treat to be able to close the door to my office, turn off the lights, sit on the floor, and just work in quiet and peace. I definitely took that for granted in my early 20s.
David Hall [00:36:14]:
Yeah.
Jess Cabrera [00:36:15]:
So just going back to how to navigate out of overwhelm. So first it’s dialing down the literal noise, and then I think the next step is and what I always start with, with clients, is starting to build that habit of rest. And when I say rest, I mean sleep is super important. Absolutely. Do not want to dismiss sleep. But also high-quality rest that engages your mind, engages your body, your senses. It’s this almost like getting into a flow state through some kind of activity that’s not work related so that your brain can just shut down that thinking for a little bit. Someone that the coach that I worked with to transition into entrepreneurship. She talks about it as stress debt, and I think that’s such a brilliant simple way to illustrate it. So when we’re in stress debt, it’s all of the stress accumulated in our body. And that high-quality rest is paying down stress debt. It’s helping our body just relax and come out of that state. So working with clients to figure out what high-quality rest looks like for them, is it reading, is it writing, is it knitting, is it biking, is it adult? Coloring books actually are really effective. Just something that can get you out of that thinking pattern, that cognitive loop from work. And then the last thing is really focusing on what’s important in that moment. Matching your effort to your energy is what I call it. So being honest with yourself about where you’re at energetically and looking at your to do list and thinking, okay, what can I do within the energy that I have? And or how can I think about what I have to do differently so it doesn’t take up more energy that I have available in this moment. That’s really stage one, or phase one, where you’re just getting your body out of that state of fight or flight that you find yourself in when you’re overwhelmed.
David Hall [00:38:40]:
Yeah, and I think you just mentioned the to do list. I think that that can be a big part of overwhelm. A lot of the overwhelm comes when you’re trying to do everything and we can’t do everything and you really have to prioritize some things, what do I really need to get done? And that’s something that’s really helped me out of overwhelm, is realizing, yeah, what’s most important?
Jess Cabrera [00:39:02]:
That is such a valuable question to ask yourself every day. And even that could be a tiny habit. After I open my to do list, I’ll ask myself what is most important. Another one I like to teach clients is after I add something to my to do list, I’ll ask myself, what’s the truth about this deadline? To give themselves permission to ask, is this self imposed? Is this really critical or am I creating the pressure in the system? Here to your point, just giving yourself permission to be really specific about where your energy does go, because we only have so much of it every day and we cannot get to everything, at least not without having all of these harmful effects on our being.
David Hall [00:39:51]:
So you implement these different tiny habits. How do you make it so that these tiny habits and the habits that you’re developing last, do you have some strategies for that, just to keep it all going?
Jess Cabrera [00:40:05]:
Yes. So first, the thing that’s going to help these really take hold, and I think I had mentioned this earlier, but the most popular myths about habit formation, they focus on, they say, push through, do it for 21 days. No matter what. You have to show up and just get through it, grit your teeth. That kind of mentality. And really what what helps habits grow is the complete opposite. It is feeling good and proud of yourself. And so in the tiny habits method, right after you do your tiny behavior, you celebrate. And it can be tricky for some people, especially if you’ve got a go big or go home mindset. So it takes a little bit of practice, and I think sometimes, too, it’s easy to confuse it with like an incentive or a reward. This is really about acknowledging your success internally and creating a feeling that is either accomplishment or pride or joy or happiness. Really reinforcing the behavior positively through emotion because that’s what’s going to help it stick. The really interesting bit is that when you start to feel successful, even doing this one tiny habit, and it can be as simple, as straightforward as a habit to lost your teeth. That’s a really popular tiny habit recipe that’s not related to introversion. But people find a lot of success in. I know. And there’s another one that’s really popular too, which is after you flush the toilet, you’ll do two squats or two push ups. So again, it’s just feeling really good about yourself. And that good feeling starts to seep into other areas of your life. It starts to improve your self-confidence, your self-worth. It starts to show you that you are capable of change. And so I think working with my introverted clients, having them start with these tiny habits, even if a couple of them aren’t directly related to introversion, that is going to create this ripple effect of, yeah, I can change these circumstances for the better and I’m not stuck in this lifestyle or this way of being necessarily yeah, I love that.
David Hall [00:42:40]:
So it’s really doing the thing, but acknowledging, hey, you know what? This is good, this felt good celebrating it, and this is something I’m going.
Jess Cabrera [00:42:47]:
To keep doing, exactly like you said, that acknowledgment of what you did. I think we’re so drawn to defining ourselves by what we don’t do or what we’re not, but this is really all about acknowledging what you did do to create a better life for yourself, to protect your energy, to honor your boundaries and your limits. It’s all about what you actually did. And that is so powerful.
David Hall [00:43:20]:
Yeah. And honoring the great gifts that you have as an introvert. You know what, this is something that may be unique to me, but it’s amazing. And if I do these things, I can really use my gift and that kind of thing and protect my energy at the same time.
Jess Cabrera [00:43:37]:
Yes.
David Hall [00:43:39]:
Hey, Jess, we’ve talked about so many great things today. Is there anything that we didn’t talk about that you would like to there.
Jess Cabrera [00:43:45]:
Is one thing that I’d like to bring up, and I touched on it a little earlier, but I think it’s something that I don’t often hear in the conversation around introversion. And maybe it’s more of just an acknowledgment to any of your listeners who are bridging the gap between Western culture and the culture that their family is from or they were born into. When you’re doing that, when you’re kind of straddling these two cultures and they’re both very extroverted, it’s almost like you get double the pressure. You get it from both sides. And so I just want to say to any of your listeners who are first generation or generation one and a half, you are so capable and worthy of setting those boundaries and protecting yourself, even if your family doesn’t get it. Because when we’re experiencing extrovert bias from society, that’s one thing, but when it’s from your family, that can contribute some additional things to navigate. And so I just wanted to say that’s another very valid piece of the conversation, and when you’re doing that, it’s still very important to take care of yourself, even if your family doesn’t quite get it. So shout out to any of your Hispanic introverted listeners.
David Hall [00:45:20]:
Okay, well said. That was an epiphany I had. Even if families, we come to our strengths naturally. So, like I said, I have an introverted wife and probably two extroverted children and one introvert, and they came to those gifts and they’re all amazing in their own ways, but they came to those gifts on their own. They were born with those gifts and it wasn’t because we raised any of them differently or anything like that. And so even within families, there’s different strengths and personalities and we need to promote a lot more understanding around that. So thank you for saying that.
Jess Cabrera [00:45:55]:
I love that. That’s so interesting that some of your kids are extroverted.
David Hall [00:46:01]:
Yeah, it’s natural. So tell us, how can we find out more about the work you’re doing and the things you’re offering?
Jess Cabrera [00:46:10]:
Well, anybody who wants to learn more about my work, my site is a really good place to start introvertscan.co. And I have a blog that I update weekly and am constantly sharing insights and strategies. There a lot of tiny habits content, if that’s of interest to any of your listeners. And for anybody who does want to connect in DMs over Instagram or LinkedIn, I’m so open to that. So you can check out Introvertscan on Instagram at Introverts.can and then they can just look me up on LinkedIn at Jess Cabrera should come up. It’ll say Introverts in my headline. It’s a common name, but not a lot of people talking about introversion.
David Hall [00:47:07]:
Yeah, I will put that all in the show notes.
Jess Cabrera [00:47:10]:
Thank you.
David Hall [00:47:10]:
And I love the name Introverts Can. That’s an awesome name.
Jess Cabrera [00:47:14]:
Thank you. Yeah, that was, again, was this feeling of like, yeah, I can do this. And I think just as a last note, when I was going to make the jump from full-time employment to being a business owner, I spoke to some of my introverted colleagues and they’re like, I could never do that. I’m an introvert. How are you? You must not be an introvert. And I was like, no, I am an introvert. And yes, we can, and we’re going to do it.
David Hall [00:47:45]:
Yeah, I love that. Just a little more understanding about your approach to success. Jess, thank you so much for being on the show today. This has been a wonderful conversation. I could probably talk to you for a couple more hours, but we’ll save some more for later, so thank you.
Jess Cabrera [00:48:00]:
Thank you so much for having me. It was such a pleasure.
David Hall [00:48:04]:
Thank you so much for joining me. I look forward to further connecting with you. Reach out at david at quietandstrong.com or check out the Quietandstrongcom.com website, which includes blog posts, links to social media and other items. Send me topics or guests you would like to see on the show. If you’re interested in getting to know yourself better, there’s now a free typefinder personality assessment on the Quiet and Strong website. This free assessment will give you a brief report, including the four-letter Myersbricks code. I’ll add a link to the show notes. There’s so many great things about being an introvert, so we need those to be understood. Get to know your introverted strengths and needs and be strong.
David Hall, M.Ed. is a speaker, author, and host of the Quiet and Strong Podcast, where he interviews thought leaders, creatives, and professionals who help introverts thrive. With over 25 years in higher education, David has led workshops, trainings, and presentations on productivity, personality, and introversion. His mission is to help introverts honor their needs, understand their strengths, and succeed on their own terms. He is the author of Minding Your Time: Time Management, Productivity, and Success, Especially for Introverts and a passionate advocate for creating work environments where introverts can do their best work.
