Listen Now
Show Notes:
Are you an introvert who struggles with social anxiety?
In this episode, David and his guest Roxana “Honest Rox” Alexandru explore ways to manage your social anxiety so you don’t feel paralyzed in social situations. They discuss strategies to help you be confidently authentic. You’ll discover that you don’t have to be an extrovert – or pretend to be something you’re not – because showing up as your true introverted self is the best way to be confident in social situations. So hit play and let’s get started!
***
Guest: Roxana Alexandru
Roxana Alexandru spent a decade working on her social anxiety. It was debilitating in all areas of her life. She now uses her experience to help socially anxious introverts be more comfortable around people and with themselves.
Roxana’s Website for Introversion: GrowIntrovertGrow.com
Roxana’s Website for Social Anxiety: HonestRox.com
Instagram | Youtube
Follow David on your favorite social platform:
Twitter | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn
Get David’s book:
Minding Your Time: Time Management, Productivity, and Success, Especially for Introverts
You may also like:
Quiet & Strong Merchandise
Transcript:
00;00;00;02 – 00;00;21;13
Roxana Alexandru
So again, if something is fun for you, but it’s not for the mainstream media or the mainstream, I guess, population you’re going to hold back on sharing what’s fun for you because you’re just constantly worried that they’re just going to reject you, right? So it’s debilitating. You can’t speak up, you can share things about yourself. You don’t want to take up too much space.
You’re constantly worried about what you’re saying and doing. What people think about you is just if I had to put it into a thing, it would be that you just don’t feel safe walking around in your body. It’s just this feeling that you’re constantly overwhelmed by what you’re going to say and do because it’s going to be taken in a different way and misunderstood.
So I would say that that’s kind of my definition of social anxiety.
00;00;55;25 – 00;01;19;03
David Hall
Hello and welcome to episode 84 of the QuietandStrong podcast, especially for introverts. I’m your host, David Hall and the creator of QuietandStrong com. It’s a weekly podcast dedicated to understanding the strengths and needs of introverts. Introversion is not something to fix, but to be embraced normally will air each episode on a Monday. Be sure to subscribe on your favorite platform, leave a review, tell a friend, help get the word out there.
Roxana Alexandru spent a decade working on her social anxiety. It was debilitating in all areas of her life. She now uses her experience to help socially anxious introverts be more comfortable around people and with themselves. All right. Well, welcome to the Quiet and Strong Podcast. Roxana, very excited to have you today.
00;01;42;07 – 00;01;44;21
Roxana Alexandru
Thank you so much, David. It’s a pleasure to be here.
00;01;45;06 – 00;01;59;00
David Hall
Yeah. So Roxana is also Honest Rox on Instagram. That’s how I became acquainted with you. You put out some great content, especially on social anxiety and introversion. And so we are going to get into all of that today.
00;01;59;23 – 00;02;06;10
Roxana Alexandru
Yes. My passion. It’s funny to think that social anxiety is actually fun right now because I get to talk about it.
00;02;06;20 – 00;02;21;18
David Hall
Yeah, yeah, it is funny. So before we do that, just tell us about your journey to understanding your introversion and your social anxiety to now helping people that are introverts with their social anxiety.
00;02;21;18 – 00;02;47;19
Roxana Alexandru
So, you know, I’m in my mid-thirties, so I guess the story goes quite some time back in my early twenties. So I was working as an intern at a Fortune 500 company. I was around like 22 years old and I took this test. And I think a lot of people can relate to this experience. It was one of those MBTI tests, you know, that they want to figure out kind of personality you have, what kind of communication style you prefer.
00;02;48;17 – 00;03;16;23
Roxana Alexandru
And I found out that I was an introvert through this class, and I was particularly distressed about it because they gave us these colors, right? So blue was more calm, you know, more introverted, and red was at the bottom, which was very bold and confident. And I remember feeling very disappointed that I got blue because all the managers, all the people that were leading and that were in charge had red.
00;03;17;12 – 00;03;42;06
Roxana Alexandru
So part of me was like, Oh, gosh, I’m just not going to be cut out to be a leader if I’m blue. You know, I’m organized, I’m quiet, I’m detailed, I like to observe. And those are not qualities that I really liked about myself. I thought they were more like weaknesses, especially in a corporate environment. So that’s how I found out that I was an introvert, and at the time I was really disappointed because I was striving for more than that.
00;03;42;06 – 00;04;06;29
Roxana Alexandru
I felt like it was holding me back. And then through time I realized that it wasn’t so much my introversion that was holding me back. It was my social anxiety. But before, I didn’t know what the word social anxiety meant, but I had a severe case of it. And just to give you an example, I wasn’t able to ask a question in a meeting room that was terrifying for me.
00;04;07;18 – 00;04;42;11
Roxana Alexandru
And I thought there was more like a part of my introversion that I was quiet and wanted to be more in the back end of things. But the truth was, it was my social anxiety that was preventing me from doing that. So I really had to really decouple my introversion from my social anxiety. And it really came to a head when one day my director came up to me, I had a meeting with him and he said that if I really wanted to be promoted because I had started making my intentions known, he said that I needed to learn to speak up in meetings and that totally just killed my confidence.
00;04;42;11 – 00;05;03;15
Roxana Alexandru
And I don’t think I’ll ever forget that it was one of those aha moments, like a big wake up call that I had this anxiety around speaking up or making myself known. And then I had nothing to do with anyone in my quiet space. So that’s when I really decided to take action and start working on my social anxiety.
So that’s kind of like the back story as to how it all unfolded for me in corporate.
00;05;09;23 – 00;05;32;07
David Hall
Yeah, thank you. And that’s something that we will get into because introversion is a very natural way of being. So you’re not going to ever overcome your introversion because. No, you and I were introverts. We always will be. So, yeah, there’s some beautiful things about it if you understand it. But the social anxiety, you can overcome it with some understanding.
And we’re going to get into that. So let’s see, where shall we start first? I definitely benefited from the Myers-Briggs and I’ve done some colors. I was green, you know, and you can be envious, like you said, red. I’ve seen orange, you know, why can’t I be read or orange? The green is kind of more analytical and it’s a strength of mine.
And that’s what you have to figure out. So I think that’s just a very important part. And so when you actually embrace your introversion, when did you say, this is a good thing.
00;06;05;18 – 00;06;27;01
Roxana Alexandru
It’s a it took maybe a decade, I’ll be honest with you. Yeah. Even to this day, that’s still something that I have to really remind myself that it’s a power, that it’s an advantage for me because my husband is an extrovert, my best friend is an extrovert. I surround myself with extroverts. And those are always kind of like qualities that I strive to have.
But I whenever I do try to be more like them, I realize that it’s it’s kind of unbearable. Just the amount of energy that I needs just to keep up with them. But it’s still kind of in the back of my mind, like, I want to be more outgoing, I want to be with you. Strike up a conversation with anybody on the street.
I want to be able to not be so picky with my, you know, the people that I choose to be friends with. It just feels like life is much easier as an extrovert. But I have learned to really appreciate myself more, and I think it was a journey to kind of, like I said, to separate from the social anxiety, because the social anxiety kept screaming that I wasn’t good enough, that I was just never going to be promoted, that I was too boring, that I couldn’t do this, and that my introversion doesn’t say that to me.
Range of vision right now. It allows me to really put a place, how do I explain this? I’m finding out ways to honor myself, right? So if I really don’t want to do something, I take a look inside and I’m like, okay, I don’t want to do this because it just doesn’t make me happy, right? It’s not because social anxiety is in the way and that’s different, right?
If you don’t do something because you’re scared of what other people are going to think about you, that social anxiety. But if you don’t want to do something because. Well, you know, I’m just I just want to go outside. I want to sit down at home and and read a book that’s really finding fulfillment in your own purpose, in your personality.
And I think it takes a while, especially for introverts, that I have experienced social anxiety to be able to be comfortable with themselves as they are.
00;08;05;23 – 00;08;24;19
David Hall
Yeah, and that’s a big piece that you just hit on right there. It’s like, what do you like? And it’s okay. You know, you might like something that somebody else doesn’t, and that’s fine. That doesn’t make your like any less valid. But at the same time, you may do some things with your extroverted husband that you just got to work all that out.
You know, you got to figure out, okay, I’m going to do this because, you know, I want to spend time with them. This is something he’s into. But at the end of the day, you have to what do I like? This is very normal. The thing that I want to do and you know, we do need to work through that in our relationship sometimes.
00;08;40;27 – 00;08;59;14
Roxana Alexandru
Yes. Yeah. And I think with with accepting your introversion, you’re able to place boundaries on it, right? So if I really don’t want to go out to dinner with some friends and my husband wants to, I’m just going to really put a line in said just don’t have the energy or the space for that right now where you can go.
Social anxiety doesn’t allow me to do that. For me, social anxiety would have just said, okay, I’m just going to go just to make sure that I show up and I please people and I’m there, you know? But it’s not honoring myself and I think being an introvert, you need to really figure out, like you said, that it’s okay to just not do things because other people are doing them.
00;09;20;01 – 00;09;25;07
David Hall
Yeah, for sure. So what would you say is a strength of yours as an introvert?
00;09;26;13 – 00;09;27;20
Roxana Alexandru
My superpower?
00;09;28;01 – 00;09;32;12
David Hall
Yeah. Your superpower. Yeah, I like calling it that, too. Yeah, absolutely.
00;09;32;12 – 00;09;56;01
Roxana Alexandru
So honestly, the one on one connection and that can really flow into all areas of life. So like when I worked in corporate, I really made that my strength just because like I mentioned, I couldn’t speak in meetings, I couldn’t lead, I couldn’t really be a manager, but I had to make myself known in a way in order to get promoted and, you know, obviously to negotiate my salary.
So the way that I did that was to really create and build strong relationships with not just my manager, but my managers, manager and their manager. So I was going up the hierarchy and I was just going into their offices and having quick chats with them, sometimes lunches or coffee dates, just because that was the way that I could communicate better and that I could have myself understood, you know, what my goals were.
The projects that I was working on, because otherwise they never would have found out about me. So it’s a one on one connection that I was able to really make strides in my career. So I would say that that’s really an introvert superpower. I think for most of us. The other one that I really realized and I held on to was my observational skills.
So I think introverts, because we’re kind of laid back and we sit and we stare and observe, people were really good at doing that. We catch on to things that most people might miss. And I remember using this power a lot when I worked in corporate. It was a way to make up for my lack of speaking up, so I would really pay close attention to key stakeholders in meetings, and I would see how they reacted to the conversation or whatever was unfolding at the time.
And I would make mental notes about it and then I would just separately approach them on my one on one strength and discuss the events that unfolded. And then I would bring up something that I noticed and they would be like, Oh my gosh, how did you know that? Or How did you think about that? But it was because I observed so well that I was able to pick up on things.
So I think those are my introvert superpowers.
00;11;36;17 – 00;11;56;00
David Hall
Yeah, absolutely. And that’s something we’re going to get into this a little bit here. But the myth is that we don’t like people. But that’s that’s absolutely not true. And it’s just we might want or prefer or even have our superpower being connecting in a one on one or small group. If we learn about ourselves, we can thrive in the big setting.
But our preference may be the one on one, like you’re saying, and I’ve really learned that about myself. And it can be a talent. You know, not all introverts are the same. Some people might really have a gift of seeing that person and being able to connect.
00;12;10;24 – 00;12;35;13
Roxana Alexandru
Yes, I think I, I used to I recently read about more like the empaths and the intuitive. And obviously I was so proud that I was more of an empath because I could pick up on people’s emotions. But there’s a lot of heaviness that comes from being that person that really picks up on everyone’s energy. And it has a lot to do with like childhood trauma and many other things that have happened.
But I would say that if you aren’t empath, then those are kind of like the observational skills that I just talked about. Those are things that you will pick up on. And again, not all introverts have that because it does come again with the loaded history. But if you are an empath, that that is a I believe that’s a huge superpower these days.
00;12;55;01 – 00;13;19;06
David Hall
Yeah, absolutely. I am intuitive and I’m always thinking so I do pick up on things and my mind is always going, I’m not an empath. We’re all created differently for some reason. So if I’m trying to have empathy, it’s going to be more a mental process for me. I’m going to try to imagine what it’s like to be in your shoes versus where you’re actually feeling other people’s emotions.
00;13;19;06 – 00;13;26;02
Roxana Alexandru
And okay, yeah, you can really start crying in a meeting. If I see someone is struggling, it can really go deep. Yeah.
00;13;26;17 – 00;13;43;23
David Hall
Absolutely. Interesting. So we’ve talked a little bit about this. So and that’s what this shows about the strengths needs of introverts and strategies for success, but also we do a little myth busting, so we did one that we do like people. Is there another myth or two that you want to buzz today?
00;13;44;15 – 00;14;06;15
Roxana Alexandru
I would say so. This one really hits close to my heart. And I would say that it’s that we’re boring. And I I’ve heard this message a lot and sometimes I read it, especially the means that circle around that just have us kind of like secluded in a cave. We’re just not paying attention to anybody and that we don’t do anything fun, that we just stay home.
00;14;06;15 – 00;14;27;20
Roxana Alexandru
That is not the case. And it sucks though, because when we get these messages, especially at a young age and you start internalizing them, you’re going to start feeling that pressure that you just have to do things that other people do and accept people’s definition of fun when it’s not yours, because you just don’t want to hear that you’re boring.
00;14;27;20 – 00;14;48;04
Roxana Alexandru
And it’s so far from the truth because if you think about it, like introverts, like we talked about, we just have such an amazing world inside of us were full of stories, observations. We have tangents that we run on and we can we talk to ourselves. There’s always something happening. It’s just that it’s hard to express this inner world to the outer one, right?
00;14;48;04 – 00;15;09;22
Roxana Alexandru
So we’re not that great at expressing or storytelling and we just stand back and absorb things, but it doesn’t make us boring and it’s just you need to be able to accept that your definition of fun as an introvert is very different than the mainstream definition of fun. But I think that’s a really big myth that we need to stop and start talking about.
00;15;10;06 – 00;15;14;19
David Hall
Yeah, yeah, well put, well put. And it’s not boring in our minds.
00;15;15;25 – 00;15;37;26
Roxana Alexandru
Never bored ever. No, that’s so interesting. And I think the other one is that we have nothing to say. You know, whenever we’re told that we’re too quiet, you know, speak up. It’s not that we don’t have anything to say, because I think there’s a lot of times we do have a lot of things to say, but it has to be in the right setting with the right person.
00;15;37;26 – 00;16;02;05
Roxana Alexandru
If you see an introvert talking to their closest friend, they’re literally talking their head off. So it’s not a case of not having anything to say. We just don’t enjoy mindless conversation that leads to nowhere. And when I’m on these forums and this group, group chats to me and I talk to introverts, they always talk about how horribly painful small talk is and how they wish they could just do away with it.
And that’s just because we want to make sure our words have an impact. You know, we just want to make sure that we’re actually going somewhere with the conversation. We don’t just say things to say them. So I would say that’s another myth that we have nothing to say.
00;16;15;21 – 00;16;44;05
David Hall
Yeah, and I’ll say that because we’re introverts. We have a lot to say because we’re always thinking, but it’s just we think and then we speak. And so we say what’s most important. And, you know, I’m never putting down extroverts when I’m talking about extroverts, I’m not putting them down. But they basically speak in order to think. And so they’re sharing most everything and we’re sharing what we think is most important.
And also, like you said, you made a really good point. We want to go deep. You know, the small talk. It’s not interesting to us because we’re thinking of deep things and that’s what we want to talk about. And like you said, if you get us talking about deep things that we’re interested in, you may not be able to stop us from talking.
00;17;02;24 – 00;17;12;26
Roxana Alexandru
Right? I mean, if you listen to the podcasts, even all the podcasts that are kind of geared towards the introverts, they run hours, you know, an hour long. So there is stuff to talk about.
00;17;13;16 – 00;17;16;06
David Hall
Yeah. And I’m really enjoying this conversation right here.
00;17;16;06 – 00;17;17;25
Roxana Alexandru
So I am as well.
00;17;18;14 – 00;17;24;25
David Hall
All right. So let’s get into social anxiety first. What is it? What is social anxiety?
00;17;24;25 – 00;17;51;04
Roxana Alexandru
So if I have to put it like in my own terms, it’s really the fear of being yourself around others. You just constantly worry that people are just not going to like you for who you are. So again, if something is fun for you, but it’s not for the mainstream media or the mainstream, I guess, population, you’re going to hold back on sharing what’s fun for you because you’re just constantly worried that they’re just going to reject you, right?
So it’s it’s debilitating. You can’t speak up. You can’t share things about yourself. You don’t want to take up too much space. You’re constantly worried about what you saying and doing. What people think about you is just if I had to put it into a thing, it would be that you just don’t feel safe walking around in your body.
It’s just this feeling that you’re constantly overwhelmed by what you’re going to say and do because it’s going to be taken in a different way and misunderstood. So I would say that that’s that’s kind of my definition of social anxiety.
00;18;22;28 – 00;18;27;21
David Hall
Yeah. You’re definitely worried about what other people are thinking, fearing, being constantly judgedff.
00;18;28;04 – 00;18;35;14
Roxana Alexandru
Mm. Okay. You just can make any, any move without thinking about someone else’s perception of it.
00;18;36;00 – 00;18;39;17
David Hall
And how did you overcome that yourself?
00;18;39;17 – 00;18;57;26
Roxana Alexandru
So in terms of overcoming social anxiety, I think I’ve been trying to change my language around it and say that I’m learning to manage. It’s okay and I think because it’s it’s rooted so deep, I think for a lot of us, it comes from childhood, teenage years and it really goes deep. The best we can do is really manage it.
00;18;57;26 – 00;19;18;21
Roxana Alexandru
So for me, I still have social anxiety. I’m not going to lie and I have it in a severe way in one particular area. So I don’t have it anymore at work. I don’t have it anywhere with my personal relationships. I don’t mind if I embarrass myself. I’m awkward. I walk on the streets in my underwear. That does nothing for me anymore.
The one area where I struggle with it severely is with my kids, and that comes from my background. So my kids, for example, uses foul language in the middle of the street or gets super angry or hits, or has this behavior that’s not socially accepted. I have such severe anxiety that I either try to remove myself from the situation or remove them.
So that’s something that I’m currently working on. So I have I’m still not able to manage my social anxiety in that setting, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say that I’ve overcome it. I think it’s always going to come up in a way that makes sense.
00;19;56;08 – 00;19;58;29
David Hall
Yeah. So how did you learn to manage it?
00;19;58;29 – 00;20;09;08
Roxana Alexandru
Yeah. So it’s it’s really a combination of exposure therapy, which I think we’re going to talk about in a little bit, getting older. So I’m in my mid thirties and I think as I get older you just stop giving a crap.
00;20;09;21 – 00;20;11;25
David Hall
Yeah, that helps for sure.
00;20;12;14 – 00;20;36;20
Roxana Alexandru
Yeah. You know experiencing like I said, a lot of awkward, embarrassing moments and seeing that I’m safe, I made it through. Nothing happened to me. And then mindset shifts, I think made a big difference in my life. And of course, journaling, I think reflecting on my experiences and understanding the root cause of my feelings really helped me move through the process.
00;20;37;14 – 00;20;39;12
David Hall
So what is exposure therapy?
00;20;40;07 – 00;21;09;04
Roxana Alexandru
Yeah, so exposure therapy, there are two types of it, but the one that’s mostly related to social anxiety and what they practice in therapy sessions is progressive exposure therapy, and it’s like I mentioned, whenever you try, if you do avoid social anxiety, then you’re giving it power. So it’s social exposure. Therapy is really putting your social anxiety into the light that gets you’re just exposing it because it doesn’t like that.
So I like to give the example that it’s like social anxiety setting in front of you and it’s it’s like a bully, right? So if you don’t stand up to it and you hide, it’s going to try to keep showing up. It’s going to try to find your weak spots. It thrives off of that. But if you expose it and you stand up to it, you’re going to weaken it.
So exposure therapy in itself is really just finding the things that you’re scared to do and doing micro steps to reach the bigger goal. So if I use my example of when I wasn’t able to ask a question in a meeting, that’s like the big goal. The big goal is I want to be able to ask a question in a meeting without feeling judged.
Well, the first step is, okay, maybe I can start raising my hands because I don’t like to interrupt people. I’m terrified of everyone just staring at me. But if I raise my hand and I just get the attention of one person, then that’s easier to manage. The next step would be, for example, writing down the question so that I read it.
So I don’t feel like I need to come up with the words on the spot, which gives me severe anxiety. So exposure therapy is really finding small steps too. That leads to a bigger picture and exposing yourself that.
00;22;17;22 – 00;22;31;07
David Hall
Way in that process. I mean, is it there are a lot of changing your thoughts because you expose yourself to something and you’re telling yourself, hey, this isn’t so bad. Is that how it works?
00;22;31;27 – 00;22;54;04
Roxana Alexandru
Absolutely. Yeah. So if you can manage one small step, then there’s no reason why you can’t manage the next one. And it’s okay to stay at that first step for for a while. For however long you need to feel like you’ve overcome it. You don’t need to do step one, two, three within the span of a week. That’s why it’s important to understand that you are intentional with what exposure you’re doing.
It’s not about just throwing yourself out and do like a public speech that is going to do nothing for you. That’s more like flooding yourself with the anxiety. So you need to make sure that it’s an intentional step, it’s tied to your goal and that you’re able to do it, that it’s not too far ahead away from your comfort zone.
00;23;13;27 – 00;23;15;09
David Hall
Okay. So it’s gradual.
00;23;15;27 – 00;23;18;01
Roxana Alexandru
Yes, absolutely. Incremental steps. Yeah.
00;23;18;09 – 00;23;22;12
David Hall
Okay. And then how do we change our thoughts?
00;23;22;12 – 00;23;27;27
Roxana Alexandru
Yes, I think everyone wants to know that there’s no magic formula to that.
00;23;28;11 – 00;23;30;11
David Hall
Oh, come on. You’re supposed to give us a magic formula.
00;23;30;23 – 00;23;51;03
Roxana Alexandru
I will give you this. I will give you that you have to change the narrative. So reframing the situation has always worked for me. So if you’re constantly worried about making a mistake or embarrassing yourself and you want to avoid that at all costs, you’re probably going to stay home. That’s just the normal reaction. And that’s like the pattern that you fall into.
But you need to change the narrative and change the perspective, and that’s how you start changing your mind. So instead of staying home, you’re going to say, okay, I can handle any social situation. I’ll probably make a mistake and I’m going to expect that I embarrass myself. Maybe I’m going to mispronounce someone’s name, but it’s okay. I’ll live through it just like I have in the past.
So that changes your mind about how you’re going to approach a situation, because instead of avoiding it, you’re going to go the opposite way. You’re going to show up, you’re going to face it, but you’re going to have the support of your mind saying, It’s okay, I can handle it because I have done that in the past. So I think that’s what has helped me change my mind.
You know, just thinking in opposites.
00;24;33;11 – 00;24;55;14
David Hall
Yeah. And when you’re saying that, I’m thinking that I’ve had those kinds of thoughts. And for me, I’ve definitely struggled with perfectionism that contributes to this social anxiety. And yeah, but one of the ways I reframe, like you’re saying, is, hey, you know what? Nobody’s perfect. You’re not the only one. And we’re all going to have awkward moments.
And it’s okay. I mean, I think understanding yourself and your introversion, you can have less awkwardness, just understanding you’re going to have some. And then everybody does. We all do, you know, and that’s not thinking you’re the only one. I think that’s really helped me.
00;25;13;10 – 00;25;31;10
Roxana Alexandru
It does. And another another thing that people do need to realize is that even if you feel awkward, chances are that no one else can see that. No, unless, again, like they’re an empath and they can read minds or whatever, they’re not going to know that you’re having an awkward moment or that you said something that you didn’t want to say.
It’s all in your mind.
00;25;33;25 – 00;25;52;27
David Hall
Yeah, and that’s another thing, too. We definitely are worried or the most worried about us. And everybody is the same. Everybody is more worried about themselves. And if you do have an awkward moment, you’re the one most worried about it, you know, and other people are worried about their own awkward moments. So that’s an important thing to remember.
00;25;53;20 – 00;26;01;25
Roxana Alexandru
I mean, just picture it two people, you know, sending, you know, having a conversation and each one is having an awkward moment. They’re going to think about their moment, not what you said. Right?
00;26;02;05 – 00;26;09;28
David Hall
Right. And we forget that. We think that everybody is so worried about this thing that we did. And it’s it’s really usually not the case.
00;26;09;28 – 00;26;19;29
Roxana Alexandru
Yeah. So if anyone wants to dig deeper into that, make sure that you Google the spotlight effects because that’s one of the cognitive biases that leads to that.
00;26;19;29 – 00;26;25;24
David Hall
Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good. So how do you Roxanna, how do you help introverts overcome their social anxiety?
00;26;26;20 – 00;26;49;10
Roxana Alexandru
So in different ways? So obviously, the exposure therapy is a big one. So I run this social anxiety challenge. I think every couple months I run it. So I really want to make sure that people are in tune with their social anxiety and that they continue to test it. Because if you go like a long period of time without testing your social anxiety, it’s going to be more intense.
And I think many of us have experienced that post-pandemic after like a year of no interactions. I remember coming out and I couldn’t even do eye contact with my closest friends, and that’s when I knew that my social anxiety had come back roaring back. So doing like little things on a daily basis helps. So I do this challenge to remind people that they should constantly expose themselves to that.
But I mostly help introverts overcome it by or manage it by getting in touch with it. So I do that with my reals. So really creating awareness because like I mentioned a lot of us don’t know we have social anxiety and we don’t know how much it affects us and lost time and even financial resources and we might be missing out on so many opportunities because of our social anxiety.
So I want to make sure that I bring awareness to introverts that have social anxiety so that they can actually start working on this. That’s another way that I do. It is by wearing this red wig. I don’t know if you’ve seen any of my reels.
00;27;54;04 – 00;27;56;06
David Hall
Have seen it. Yes.
00;27;56;06 – 00;28;16;04
Roxana Alexandru
So that’s kind of like my alter persona. That’s my I call her Veronica. Someone named her Veronica. So I’m just going to run with that. Okay. But I want to make sure that I send the message out that you have to detach yourself from your social anxiety so you stop believing that you’re the problem. Because I find, like a lot of people think that they’re just stuck with social anxiety is just who they are.
But I want to make sure that introverts know that it’s an experience that you’re having. And just like any other experience, you can just not have it, you know? So if you use the words, I’m socially anxious, then you’re, you’re identifying yourself with it, which makes it harder to separate objectively. So I want to make sure that, again, awareness, exposure and mind shift.
I think that’s how I like to think that I help people.
00;28;43;09 – 00;29;04;00
David Hall
Yeah. And I think that the pandemic did set people back. Maybe they were learning to manage it. And then all of a sudden they’re not being social. And I think that was definitely a thing. It was definitely it was strange for me when we weren’t going out much maybe just to the store and wearing a mask and not being able to smile at people.
And I think that that set a lot of people back there are trying to manage it.
00;29;08;00 – 00;29;09;04
Roxana Alexandru
Yeah, absolutely.
00;29;10;09 – 00;29;13;22
David Hall
So how do people get involved with your challenges?
00;29;13;22 – 00;29;37;24
Roxana Alexandru
Yeah, it’s I have it on my Instagram bio and on my website, the social anxiety challenge. I actually have a whole workbook of 35 tasks that you can do at any time. So and different levels for each one. So you can buy that it’s like $20 on my website and you can just constantly refer to it. If you’re running out of ideas on how to test your social.
So yeah.
00;29;39;20 – 00;29;48;19
David Hall
So introverts or extroverts, either one can have social anxiety. Yeah. You think it’s different for extroverts?
00;29;48;19 – 00;30;08;01
Roxana Alexandru
So I think social anxiety is more intense for extroverts. You know, for introverts we can just hide at home and we’re happy about it. It’s not a problem for us to be stuck at home and watching Netflix or reading a book or drawing or whatever, even though, like I mentioned, avoiding social anxiety is not is not the solution.
But if we do it, we’re in a happy place for extroverts. It’s not the same experience. You know, they need that hit of dopamine from their social circle. So they physically actually need the interaction. But social anxiety is getting in the way, so it’s definitely more pronounced for them. I imagine you really want to be able to be part of a group, you want to have fun, you want to interact because you actually need that to be fulfilled by you can’t do it because of social anxiety.
So that’s not the case for introverts. So that’s why I feel like I haven’t talked to many extroverts with social anxiety. I think that’s pretty rare. But for those that do have it, I think it’s it’s much more difficult to handle.
00;30;48;26 – 00;31;12;07
David Hall
Yeah. You know, sometimes I think people think it’s just introverts that have it. I think we might be a little more prone to it because we’re who are turned inward. So we think more and and we may be more concerned. But I agree. I think it can be worse for extroverts, but either introverts or extroverts can be socially anxious and they can also learn to manage it, too.
00;31;12;10 – 00;31;30;27
Roxana Alexandru
Absolutely. I think I had a friend who struggles she struggle with social anxiety and she thought she was an introvert because of that. But I think the struggle for her was that she really wanted to go out and be with her friends and she didn’t understand why she was having such a hard time with it. And then she figured out that it was social anxiety and that she was not an introvert.
And I was. It can really play with your mind for sure.
00;31;35;21 – 00;31;38;03
David Hall
So how do you think introverts can gain confidence?
00;31;39;15 – 00;32;07;24
Roxana Alexandru
Practice and yeah, I mean, I could just leave it at that, but I have this blog post that said that I say that practice, practice makes confidence and I really believe that confidence comes from practice. It’s just like a muscle, you know, when you go to the gym to lift weights, you just have to practice being confident. And, you know, some people might have more of more confidence depending on their upbringing, you know, personality type or experiences that they’ve had.
But I think if you start super small and do like micro accomplishments like that, I was able to raise my hand in a meeting that is that is a little micro accomplishment that’s going to give me a boost in confidence. So building up every single day gets you to the point where it does not it doesn’t become a struggle anymore and you just feel confident doing that particular action.
00;32;30;25 – 00;32;52;09
David Hall
Yeah, yeah. So practice and then like you said earlier, along with that practice, reframing your story and your thoughts about who you are, your strengths. Yes, that can really go a long way. So how did you go from socially anxious to being able to make videos on Instagram and YouTube?
00;32;52;09 – 00;33;14;13
Roxana Alexandru
Practicing. Okay, no, but honesty, courage, I think that’s an often overlooked one. I think you do need to find the courage inside sometimes to just go for it. Just do it without even thinking, like, blindly do things. I, I just feel like I had this urge for so many years to let my inner world out. So maybe because I didn’t speak up, I kept everything inside.
At some point, the pull was just so strong that I just. I felt that I needed people to know what I was thinking. So I just started putting out blog posts and then obviously opened my social media accounts and it was just like a progression from there. I started doing stories and then videos on YouTube and then reels.
So again, it was a progression. I didn’t just go straight into doing YouTube. I started shooting my thoughts in different ways, and I felt comfortable doing that until it just became this natural step. That video would be part of my life. And now I absolutely love it. I, I’m obsessed with video and I would be on camera all day long if I could.
00;33;52;15 – 00;34;17;00
David Hall
All right. Yeah. And, you know, we do have a lot to say, and I’m so glad that you’re sharing your thoughts with everyone. But there’s ways that we can learn to do that as introverts and ways that we can learn to make it effective. You also did an online summit this past summer that I really enjoyed, and you had some introvert experts that you interviewed and you did a great job of interviewing them.
There was the Grow Introvert Grow Summit this summer. How did that come about?
00;34;21;18 – 00;34;40;16
Roxana Alexandru
That was a spur of the moment. How do I say? The muse just appeared in the bathroom one day and was like, I just thought this title grow, introvert grow. And I didn’t know what to do with it, but I thought it was so catchy that I just bought the domain on that day. You know, I just walked out of the bathroom and bought the domain.
And then I just realized that I wanted so much to talk about introversion separate from social anxiety. And I had to give it a place. So I, I created grow, introvert grow to give space to all the other ideas and thoughts that I had on introverts outside of social anxiety. And then I just thought, okay, what is the best way to start exposing this website?
And obviously it’s through the community, people talking about it. So I reached out to some friends in the community and asked them if they wanted to speak at a summit. And then it just started flowing and I got 12 speakers and it was within a span of four weeks that the whole thing just from beginning to end, it was the worst time of my life between scheduling, creating the website, doing the videos.
It was so intense, but it was the most fulfilling, fulfilling experience I’ve ever had. So I’m glad I went through it. And I think the feedback that I got really inspired me to keep going.
00;35;42;25 – 00;35;45;24
David Hall
Yeah, you know, great job on it. What did you learn most from it?
00;35;47;11 – 00;36;13;17
Roxana Alexandru
I think from I treated each session as a personal coaching call, so I learned from each speaker. I asked the questions that I felt were the most relevant for my life so that I could implement those insights. So I think each one was like a huge coaching session that I got something out of and obviously learning about myself in a way that I’m able to ask the right questions at the right time.
I didn’t know I had that skill, so I’m going to put that into my introverts superpower asking the right questions.
00;36;21;26 – 00;36;46;19
David Hall
Yeah, it is absolutely a skill that you can have and you do. So that’s great. And you know, people would think, you know, an introvert, they can’t do that. They can’t be on a podcast, they can host a podcast or an online summit, but you just get to know how it works for you, for me when it comes to introverts, it’s not if an introvert can do something, but it’s how can they do it?
How can they do it best? And that’s something that you’ve got to learn how to do.
00;36;51;18 – 00;37;23;04
Roxana Alexandru
Yeah, and I wanted to highlight that from all the introverted experts in their particular field, because, you know, you have like brand strategy, you have careers, you know, you have social media, and there are introverted ways to approach each one of those areas. And I really wanted to expose that to people. If you’re in this space, in the online space and you’re Googling, you know how to start a podcast, what you need to do most of the advice is very much geared towards extroverts, and that makes sense because those are the research strategies that are worked and they’re quantifiable where you can put numbers behind them.
And but introverts have a different way of approaching things. And we just need to be okay with doing it differently and finding our own success with it. So that’s why I really wanted to expose people to that.
00;37;36;19 – 00;37;54;15
David Hall
Yeah, well said. And that’s what an online summit like that does, because I believe that we can best learn from other introverts. I’m not saying we can’t learn from extroverts, but if you want to learn how to be a public speaker, for example, learn from an introvert that’s learned to be a great public speaker.
00;37;54;18 – 00;38;08;02
Roxana Alexandru
Absolutely. Yeah. Walk the same path. You know, it helps and it can relate to that person, 1 to 1. You know, for me, an extrovert is just too far removed from my personality type to be able to be like, okay, I can do what they do. It’s very difficult.
00;38;08;28 – 00;38;33;00
David Hall
And, you know, this fits in with this conversation today. So probably when I was in college, I picked up a book, How to Overcome Shyness, and it didn’t help at all. And now that I know things and I’ve studied this so long for so many years now, if I was to go find that book again, I bet it was written by an extrovert that didn’t relate to any of my introvertedness you know.
00;38;33;00 – 00;38;42;11
David Hall
And so if you want to overcome shyness or social anxiety, you’re not going to learn that from an extrovert. You’re going to best learn that from a fellow introvert.
00;38;42;11 – 00;38;45;22
Roxana Alexandru
Think. Absolutely. We have such a different, unique perspective.
00;38;45;22 – 00;39;03;20
David Hall
Yeah. And I mean, my first book was on time management because when I was starting to blog about introversion and I was very busy when I was getting to know myself as an introvert, you know, I had I had a full-time job. I ran a business with my wife. I have three kids and it was crazy. And I was studying time management at the same time.
00;39;03;20 – 00;39;26;28
David Hall
And I’m like, I have these needs as an introvert, and these books are not calling it out it out, but there’s certain things that I need to fit into my time management strategy. So that’s why it’s so important to have summits or have these conversations where, you know what, you can be amazing at public speaking or leadership, whatever it is you want to do, but learn to do it in your best introverted way.
00;39;27;11 – 00;39;37;18
Roxana Alexandru
Yeah. And if you need help and support, there’s a huge community out there that’s just waiting to help you. I think we’re very helpful and, you know, if you want to reach out to any of us, I think you’re going to get what you’re looking for.
00;39;38;13 – 00;40;12;24
David Hall
And I get amazed all the time how large the community is, and it’s still growing. Yes, it blows my mind and it’s such a good thing. You know, there’s so many people like yourself that are doing such great work and it’s awesome to see that. I was listening to something earlier and a lot of times we hear a lot about extroverts, but it’s because, like we said earlier, they’re talking all the time and so they’re saying, you know, this is how it should be, but we just need to give a louder voice that, you know what, we need to embrace our strengths, whoever it is that you are.
00;40;13;14 – 00;40;19;07
Roxana Alexandru
Yeah. And I think the conversation is starting to lean that way more also culturally, I think.
00;40;20;04 – 00;40;31;14
David Hall
Yeah, absolutely. So we have talked about a lot of things, introversion, social anxiety. Is there anything that we didn’t talk about yet that you want to hit on?
00;40;31;14 – 00;40;56;07
Roxana Alexandru
Oh, I would I would just reiterate the fact that it’s a process to accept your introversion. If you haven’t, it’s okay. I think a lot of us reach a point where, you know, there’s a before and an after, and once you’re in the after, it’s really beautiful that you can finally step into your power and find fulfillment the way that you are and you stop seeking acceptance and external validation.
And but it’s a process. And I just want to make sure that people know that it’s not a one day to the next thing that happens.
00;41;05;13 – 00;41;16;17
David Hall
Yeah, that’s beautiful. And we just need to get going on that process. Embrace who you are, and also just be confident. And that social anxiety can definitely be managed.
00;41;16;27 – 00;41;31;16
Roxana Alexandru
They can, yes with effort. It’s not wishing it away, unfortunately. It’s with actual effort and stepping out and doing things that you don’t want to do. That’s the fastest way to manage your social anxiety.
00;41;32;10 – 00;41;44;10
David Hall
Absolutely. So, Roxana, again, I could talk to you all day about this. You know, where can people find out more about the work that you do with introversion and social anxiety.
00;41;45;07 – 00;42;11;12
Roxana Alexandru
So Honest Rox is really all about social anxiety. So I have my website, my Instagram and YouTube is catered to that. I’m revamping the whole system, my whole brand strategy, my website. Everything is going to be brand new in the next couple of months, and I’m excited about the new programs that I’m working on. And then I have Grow Introvert Grow, which is an online website where I send out like a biweekly community newsletter of all the things that are happening in the interior community.
So, you know, like your podcast, it’s going to be featured. Any coach GrowIntrovertGrow.com. So those are the two areas that I work on.
00;42;26;20 – 00;42;33;11
David Hall
Sounds exciting. Yeah, keep up your great work and again, thank you for being on today. It’s been a pleasure speaking with you.
00;42;33;21 – 00;42;34;29
Roxana Alexandru
Absolutely. Thank you, David.
00;42;35;28 – 00;43;00;17
David Hall
Thank you so much for joining me. I look forward to further connecting with you. Reach out to David at QuietandStrong.Com or check out the website QuietandStrong.com. It includes blog posts and links to social media channels. Send me topics or guests you’d like to see on the show. If you’re interested in getting to know yourself better, there is now a free type finder personality assessment on the quite strong website.
This free assessment will give you a brief report, including your four-letter Myers-Briggs code. If you’d like more details, I’ll add a link to the show notes. There’s so many great things about being an introvert and so we need those to be understood. Get to know your introverted strengths and needs and be strong.
David Hall, M.Ed. is a speaker, author, and host of the Quiet and Strong Podcast, where he interviews thought leaders, creatives, and professionals who help introverts thrive. With over 25 years in higher education, David has led workshops, trainings, and presentations on productivity, personality, and introversion. His mission is to help introverts honor their needs, understand their strengths, and succeed on their own terms. He is the author of Minding Your Time: Time Management, Productivity, and Success, Especially for Introverts and a passionate advocate for creating work environments where introverts can do their best work.
