Listen Now
Do you long to make connections, even though you’re an introvert?
As introverts, we all long to make connections. It is just that the connections we want to make are deep – not just surface level. This can be a challenge, but you can improve in the areas where you want to. It can take some time for you to get to know others and then it may be a slow process to get to know them, it may take even more time to find those people that you can form deep connections with.
Listen to this episode to learn more about connecting as an introvert, and be strong.
Books mentioned in this episode:
Introvert Power” by Dr. Laurie Helgoe
David’s book:
Minding Your Time: Time Management, Productivity, and Success, Especially for Introverts
Contact the host of the Quiet and Strong Podcast:
David Hall
Author, Speaker, Educator, Podcaster
quietandstrong.com
Gobio.link/quietandstrong
[email protected]
Take the FREE Personality Assessment:
Typefinder Personality Assessment
Follow David on your favorite social platform:
Twitter | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn
You may also like:
Quiet & Strong Merchandise
Podcast Transcript
Busting the Myths of Introverts and Connection
Hello, and welcome to the Quiet and Strong Podcast, Especially for introverts. I am your host, David Hall and creator of quietandstrong.com. This is a weekly podcast dedicated to understanding the strengths and needs of introverts. Introversion is not something to fix, but to be embraced. Normally we will air each episode on Mondays. Be sure to subscribe on your favorite platform.
The Quiet and Strong Podcast is all about the strengths and needs of introverts along with strategies for success. Also we do some myth busting around introversion. One common myth that we have talked about on various episodes and with guests is that introverts hate people and just want to be left alone. Are you an introvert that feels this way?
We do need some time alone, but we also need and want to spend time with friends and family. I heard someone say in relation to the pandemic that introverts love being left alone all of the time. I do know that we value our alone time, but I can’t support that statement that we all “love being left alone.” What do you think about this statement? How did the pandemic impact you? Did you get more alone time in a good way? Or did you find yourself cooped up without enough time alone? Did you miss some in-person interaction? Did you feel lonely? I know in the height of the pandemic I was feeling quite isolated. I was mostly spending time almost solely with my immediate family. I love my wife and kids, but I did miss many family and friends that I’m starting to see again a bit. We are going to differ in how much connection we need, but we all need connection. Most introverts need to find the right balance between social time and some time alone . You may have some different social needs than an extrovert, but you have social needs nonetheless.
I am having a lot of “firsts” after the pandemic. I went to a large in-person conference and did a presentation. It felt good to connect with old friends and new. I do like conferences. It felt like a bit of a return to normal. It was good to see people gathered again. We can talk about conference attending strategies another time along with how to plan introvert friendly events.
I remember my first in-person meeting after working from home for almost a couple of years. It felt good to sit across the table from someone and not staring at them in a box on my computer screen. I didn’t bring my laptop and it was strange to meet without my computer in front of me. There are some advantages to Zoom and virtual meetings.
I’ve been to some large family gatherings. I have a big and close family and I went for a time without seeing many of them. We have a great time together and again it felt good to just hangout and have fun.
There are many more firsts, but the point is that whether you are an introvert or extrovert, connection with other people is very important to us as human beings. The myth that introverts hate people is not helpful and can be harmful. Enjoying these connections does not make me an extrovert, but I am an introvert living life in my own introverted way enjoying being with people and also the right blend of some alone time.
I have had some great guests on the podcast. So far all have been fellow introverts who have learned to embrace their introversion for success in life and in business. Many now specialize in the business of helping introverts embrace who they are. I have felt a real connection with all of my guests. It feels like a conversation between two friends discussing topics very dear to them and sometimes laughing at the absurdity of it all. Introverts making a real and important connection and having a great time one on one
I want to get a bit more into the why of it all and try to bust this myth of introverts not liking people in general.
So what is the definition of introversion? Unfortunately we are not all on the same page. Introversion is like it sounds, we are turned “inward” more often than not to our inner world of ideas and often rich imagination. Much strength and creativity comes from our inner life. This is called our preference. Our preference for introversion or extroversion Of course we all spend plenty of time outside of our inner world.
I often hear this definition: The main difference between introverts and extroverts is how they get their energy or recharge. I want to change this a bit. I would say the main difference between introverts and extroverts is where we focus, either our inner or outer world. We often need to recharge alone after being in certain situations or with certain people. The energy discussion is so important to introverts, but if we are saying that it is ONLY about energy we are discounting our great strengths and creativity that come with our introversion. We also can recharge or get energy from another person when engaged in meaningful conversations, often one on one. Many guests on the podcasts have confirmed this for themselves as well. And there have been so many guest episodes that have given me energy! I am married to my best friend and often recharge or get energized with her. Do you have people in your life that you recharge with or get energized by? And we have a myth to bust here.
Let’s put it this way – being a deep thinker is what is at the heart of my introversion. I turn inward to thought more often than not. This is how I naturally process the world around me – internally rather than externally. So, when I’m spending more time focused externally, this tends to drain my energy. The key is to know what drains your energy and how to find the space and activity that will recharge you. Many have written about the introvert need for recharge. With so many different types of introverts, I don’t think the need for recharge is the same for every introvert. The important thing is to know yourself and what drains you and how you best recharge. If I am attending a conference for example and start to feel drained or even overwhelmed, maybe a walk on the grounds will do the job. Where do you find and make opportunities for recharge each day?
I am not an introvert because I need to recharge. I need to recharge BECAUSE I’m an introvert. Again, I am a deep thinker. When I can’t think this can be draining. Other introverts might be deep thinkers and also be deep feelers, sometimes in an empathic way. We need some time to think and feel. But this doesn’t mean we want to be alone all of the time. We need to stop using introversion as a measure of sociability. The question is what do you want? Are you getting what you want? Do you know how to get what you want? Introverts and extroverts both need to be able to answer these questions. The questions and answers will look different for introverts and extroverts.
Let’s look at an example, as the world is opening up again, so are things like networking events. Imagine you are walking into a room of 100 strangers with an opportunity to “network”. For many extroverts this sounds like a great time. Meeting all 100 if possible and bouncing from person to person and happily making new connections in short bursts of conversation. Now there may be some shy extroverts who want to be able to do this, but are lacking confidence for some reason. Of course confidence can be gained. I have learned that I value connections, but for me short conversations usually aren’t going to be as meaningful and I would prefer some deeper conversations with a person or two. I have become more comfortable with this type of situation, but also networking in my own introverted way. There was a time that I felt like there was something wrong with me for not liking the traditional networking event. Now I know that if I try to network like an extrovert I will probably be drained and it probably won’t be that effective for me. I can network in my way and build connections effectively and this can be learned if you are not yet getting what you want. And no matter what, I am a deep thinker and will also be an introvert as that is what makes me an introvert. And that is a great thing. I won’t ever call myself an extroverted introvert or something along those lines I sometimes hear others say.
As introverts, we want to talk about things that are important to us. We don’t want to make endless small talk. Some small talk is important and can be enjoyable, but as introverts if it goes on too long it can be quite draining.
So do introverts like people, YES! We like and need people. We do need some time alone regularly to recharge, make plans, focus on certain things, reflect, dream, and enjoy our rich imaginations. We want to share our love of ideas with those we love and make new connections. Often we do best in one on one or smaller group gatherings or with close connections.
As introverts, we long to make connections. It is just that the connections we want to make are deep. This can be a challenge, but you can improve in the areas where you want to. It can take some time for you to get to know others and then it may be a slow process to get to know them, it may take even more time to find those people that you can form deep connections with.
Laurie Helgoe, in Introvert Power states “For introverts, the best associations start with ideas. If you don’t feel a part of your neighborhood association or the happy hour regulars after work, don’t force it. The community that surrounds you may not be your community. Give yourself the gift of the outside world that represents you. Volunteer for a cause you care about. Post an online profile and find other people who love Elvis, quantum physics, and tennis. Audition for a play or audit a college course. Attend a workshop or conference on something that fascinates you. Do what you love a little more publicly, and your people will come.”
When it comes to finding these deeper relationships, “don’t force it” is something helpful to remember. I have been living by this “don’t force it” motto when I am at work, out in the community, or various social gatherings. I don’t try to be all things to all people as I once did. I don’t feel bad if I am not “working the room”. But rather, I look for those deeper connections I might form. It often takes more time forming friendships as an introvert, so be patient it will be worth it. I think “don’t force it” really sums it up with making connections. It is when we are trying to force things or go along with a more extroverted way of doing things that doesn’t feel right or drained or feel bad about who we are. And that is how the myth of us not liking people lingers. Remember you are an amazing person with your own gifts and strengths. So find and honor great connections, we do like and need people after all, but don’t force it.
Thank you so much for joining me. I look forward to further connecting with you. Reach out at [email protected]. Or check out the quietandstrong.com website. I will add social media channels to the show notes. Please comment on the social media posts related to this podcast. Send me topics or guests you would like to see on the show. So many great things about being an introvert and so we need those to be understood. Get to know your introverted strengths and needs and be Strong!
David Hall, M.Ed. is a speaker, author, and host of the Quiet and Strong Podcast, where he interviews thought leaders, creatives, and professionals who help introverts thrive. With over 25 years in higher education, David has led workshops, trainings, and presentations on productivity, personality, and introversion. His mission is to help introverts honor their needs, understand their strengths, and succeed on their own terms. He is the author of Minding Your Time: Time Management, Productivity, and Success, Especially for Introverts and a passionate advocate for creating work environments where introverts can do their best work.
